Take A Walk With Me!

Testimonies!

2009-10-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

4/06/07

Lord, if today is my last day on this earth and you were to take me in my sleep, I am overjoyed with what I know of you!!!!!

Sin not only separates us from God but it also dims the light in our spirit! One night I went out and ended up in a drunken state and made myself sick for two days afterward. Once I began to feel physically better, I still felt under the weather in my spirit. Then it dawned on me, that when we do things to damage the flesh intentionally, such as becoming drunk, it also tampers with our spirituality. I realized that not only did my body need time to recuperate and become sober but that it actually took my spirit longer to sober up longer than it did my body. My spirit needs to be sober to be able to receive the grace that God is willing to offer us when we turn away from Him. Glory be to God for saving us and also accepting us as we are in out fallen state.

Road Trip, Indecent Exposure and Gun Trafficking!

2009-10-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

(Written 4/20/01)

Me and Chanel went to the Regal Beagle last night and she reminded me of a time when we were double dating with Big Man and Clark. Clark was a friend of Big Man’s that I introduced Chanel to so that whenever Big Man and me got together, Chanel and Clark got together as well. Well, this one time in particular they asked us to take a ride with them to Pittsburgh. Now, to be totally honest, I don’t think we even worried about why we were going to Pittsburgh, it was just the fact that the four of us were going to be together. We always had so much fun with them dudes! Before leaving we had to meet up with this older guy that so happened to be joining us for this trip but he was taking his own car. Let’s just call this older guy, Cornelius. Cornelius was wearing what seemed to resemble that of a Russian hat, driving a Honda station wagon and had two Pit Bulls in the back of the car. Now of course you can kinda figure that shit is getting ready to get shady but I never said a word. Chanel however, did question why we were going to Pittsburgh with an older guy, in a Russian hat, driving a station wagon with two dogs in the back and the response we got from Clark was…….”We’re going to sell those dogs.” Yeah right! Selling dogs was the LAST thing we were going to do and we all knew it. Once we got there, we went to dinner and checked into a hotel. Big Man and Clark left us for a minute and came back. We all went to our separate rooms and went to bed. The next day we got up, got back in the car and headed home. Everything was taken care of, I guess. The driving arrangement on the way home was slightly different than when we went down initially. They gave Chanel and me the Acura and the two of them rode back with Cornelius. We were flyin’ on the way home…..doin’ at least a buck somethin’. The boys rode up next to us at one point and were screamin’ at us through the window. We just kept bobbin’ our heads cause we were listening to “Natural Born Killers” by Ice Cube and Dr. Dre. That shit was bangin’! Anyway, they were hollering something at us while we were on the highway. We just thought that they were being boys, playing games and then somebody’s phone rang. I answered and it was Clark. I was crackin’ up. I asked what were they screaming at us for and he said, “Slow down! You’re going over 100mph and we’re driving on ice right now!” So I stopped laughing and said, “Oh.” Chanel looked at me and said, “What?” So I began with my psychological input, telling her not to worry and be calm when I divulged this information. She agreed to do so and mind you we’re still going 100mph. Then I gently said, “We’re driving on one big sheet of ice right now so don’t slam on the brakes!” Chanel just said, “Oh” in her Aquarian attitude and simply stated, “That ain’t shit, I’ll just take my foot off the gas and we can gradually slow down.” Which is exactly what she did. The car slowed down and she resumed speed at 50mph. Cool as a cucumber……..but why wouldn’t two girls involved in a drug run not be?

That story was a good one. I’m surprised I almost left that shit out of the book! It seemed like that story just fit the whole theme of yesterday. It all jumped off from the “doo-rag”.. …..I know it. My hair day was Friday, so by Thursday my shit was usually shot! I decided to go thug and just tie a scarf around the outside of my ponytail cause my ends were looking shabby. Anyway, after that I became, da duh da……….”Ghetto Superstar”. I felt the need to give a blow job! Oh, so what……a girl has needs and sometimes there’s no better way to feed your ego than to have some nigga tellin’ you how great you give head! So I called, good ole', reliable Truck. He was my last serious boyfriend so for some mysterious reason I didn’t have a problem calling and asking him for anything. Including him helping me out with a situation such as that one! Anyhow, I after I convinced him to pull his pants down…….ha,ha,ha, I went down to do what I know I did well. He looked down at me and said, “That scarf is doing something to me cause you are keeping it GANGSTA!” Uh, I loved it. He had some chick waiting for him to pick her up from the hairdresser and that just made it more of a turn on for me. I had the sound effects going and all that shit…it was crazy. The day just continued to play on that same vibe cause after that I was ridin’ around with some coke in my pocket, lookin’ for crack head Willie to wash me and Pitt’s cars. (Pitt, was who I like to call, my first gay husband. Which meant, he was the first gay guy that entered my life that I had become very close to.) Camille and Chanel just think I’m thug………I just think that I’m a product of my environment. After I found Willie and got the cars washed, Chanel convinced me to have a drink with her at the Regal Beagle and that’s how these pages came to pass. My day had just been going like that of a movie and I just felt the need to share. So, you’re welcome ahead of time but to top it all off, while we were in the bar we saw this guy that we had known for years. Let’s just call him Fifty. He ran with Liam Kennedy and them back in the day. He was startin’ trouble by calling Brian and telling him that Chanel was at the bar, well, at the bar without her boyfriend. You see, Brian and Martin had been beefin’ the past couple of months. You let them tell it, they’re going through it in the streets, over respect and some other dumb shit but we all know that the beef was really over Chanel. Anyway, after we overheard Fifty’s conversation with Brian we started talkin’ about something else, he walked away and we figured that was that. Like 15 minutes later Fifty walks over to me while he has his cell phone to one ear, leans down and whispers in my ear, “Go outside and walk towards McDonalds.” So, I just looked at Chanel, shrugged my shoulders and walked out. I didn’t know what was waiting for me out there and to be totally honest, it didn’t matter. I knew Fifty wasn’t sending me into a death trap or anything so I didn’t ask any questions, I just left. Once I got towards McDonalds I saw Brian surface from the shadows. I said, “Hey Brian, what’s up?” He said, “I need you to do me a favor.” So I said, “Okay. What’s the Up?” He said, “Can you carry my gun inside the bar for me cause they're gonna search me at the door?” I looked at Brian and smiled and said, “C’mon. Anything for you, baby.” As we walked towards the parking lot for him to give me the gun, he nodded his head at his mans standing at a distance and said, “Go ahead and go in.” He handed me the gun and said, “Where are you gonna put it?” I said, “I’m gonna put it in the back of my pants. Now listen, Brian, I am NOT gonna hand it back to you once we get in so just get behind me and take it out my pants yourself once we’re in there.” He said, “Okay, well just walk straight back to the bathroom when we get in there. Your girlfriend really has me angry nowadays.” I say, “Okay, well I’m doing you a favor so don’t say anything to her once we get in there.” He said, “Yeah but she makes me so mad. These dudes got me out here actin’ like an animal again. I haven’t had to come out with a gun in like the past six years. This shit is fucked up!” I just shook my head and told him, “Yeah, I can dig it but I’m ensuring your safety by doing you this favor so do me one and don’t say anything to Chanel when we get in the bar.” So he said, “No problem.” And it was on! I breezed passed the bouncers, one, cause I had already been in there and two, I was cool with all the guys at the door so it wasn’t a problem. I walked straight back to the bathroom and stood in a dark, tight corner. Brian walked up behind me and took the gun from my back. He then placed the gun in his back and everything was everything. I guess there are a few of you saying, ‘Why would you help someone to come in a place and possibly get into a western shootout?' Well, the reason I would do that is because if something ensued, Chanel’s and my protection would be secure, in that, Brian would have our back. Plus, there is always some stupid nigga out here ready to do the dumb thing so I wanted to make sure that all my people would be able to hold their own if it came down to that. Hey, if I was for you then I was for you but if you had crossed me then you had lost me. It was all part of the game.

Note: After re-reading this post, it dawned on me: What if we were driving the car with the drugs in it on the way back from Pittsburgh? Is that why the guys rode back with Cornelius? And carrrying guns into bars for guys........It's a wonder that I never went to jail for some of the STUPID things I did! And the situation about having an urge to give a blow job.......The only thing I can contribute that to was my drug abuse because I don't get "those" type of urges AT ALL anymore and I know that's because I don't have a husband or boyfriend or anyone special but to just have an urge regardless of having a relationship with the person! What the crap? Thank You Jesus for changing me!

Too Many To Count!

2009-10-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

(Written 6/01/00)

Last weekend was crazy as shit! I was up to my old tricks again, gettin' them dudes for their change. Friday was lovely too because I had gotten off from work early. The first thing I thought to do was go and have a drink. After which, I needed to re-up on my cash flow cause I was fuckin’ it up at the bar and I still had to go to the hairdresser that Saturday morning. I called this guy named Chip that I was dating last summer. Well, I wouldn’t necessarily call it dating; it was more like fee for service or a sponsorship so to speak. Chip and I went out for salad and on the way home you know he got hit up for that doe! I called Pasta Too Much cause he owed me some money from a while back. [OK, so I came up with the name Pasta Too Much because towards the end of our tryst together he was beginning to have impotency problems and I thought: ‘Al dente pasta is still firm and he was more like over cooked pasta.’ And Pasta Too Much was born!] When he called my cell phone he said that he would be at my house in 10 minutes to meet me. I left the front doors unlocked because I planned on waiting outside for him since I had other things to do. Well, wouldn’t you know that Dollars showed up and kindly let himself in when he noticed the doors were open. I was upstairs brushing my teeth and Dollars just walked in my bathroom! While I stood there in astonishment with toothpaste dripping from my mouth, the phone rang and it was Pasta telling me that he was outside. Like a dummy I said, “The door is open…..”(then I caught myself) and said, “I mean, I’m coming downstairs right now.” I told Dollars that I would be right back and I went downstairs to meet Pasta before he got a chance to let himself in also. I kept the conversation short and to the point. He had the money in his hand and I took it, before I could turn around and just take my ass back upstairs, Pasta says, “What’s up? Are you getting ready to do something or can we go upstairs for a minute?” I said, “Baby Boy is upstairs and I’m getting ready to be out so I’ll just call you later.” I went back upstairs and then Dollars and me were out on a mission with Nasir. I still cared about what happened to Dollars and everything but I didn’t care to be involved with him anymore. I had just outgrown that dude, that’s all. Anyway, I had to get from out of his company because he wasn’t profitable for me anymore. I wasn’t asking him for any money, not even if I needed it. That pride is a mutha fucka, ain’t it? I had already taken that nigga for $4,700 unwillingly so that was that for any financial favors in the long run. I wasn't usually into burning bridges but that was one that I didn’t plan on crossing again. Well, at least I had hoped not to have to cross it again. Plus, I didn’t want him to think I needed him for anything. No bills, no rent, not even pocket money. I was a big girl and I could take care of myself, you dig me? I was OK on a solo and I had all these other dudes lookin’ out for me like, China. Now China was a thug mutha fucka about his money and I liked that. He seemed a little take charge but I think I put a little fear in him also. He was younger than me. So what, I liked the babies! Anyhow, he acted hesitant on certain shit like sittin’ close to me or givin’ me a kiss or anything that had something to do with getting close. He repeatedly kept spending the night at my house by passing out drunk on my couch for like three nights in a row. Well, one morning he woke up and had an urge for me to count his money. I don’t know why? Maybe he was still drunk from the night before and couldn’t think but all I know is, he wanted me to count it, so I did! It came to about $3,500 and when I was done counting, I said, “I know you’re NOT going to have me count all this money and not offer me any of it? That would be rude, you know like you’re showing off or something.” Then he asked the question. You know, the one that got those kinda knuckleheads in trouble, “Why? You need some money?” I answered, in my Barbie Doll tone, “Yeah, I’m so poor it’s pathetic.” He got to tellin’ me how he had to pay for this and pay for that. He put so much money into this and that.....yatta, yatta, yatta. So I gave him the big girl response, “If a couple hundred dollars is gonna hurt you, then you probably shouldn’t be in the game anyway.” Ooooooooooo that was a GOOD one! You know I got the money after that. It was just that simple. One blow to the ego and it was whatever.

I was on some nervous shit about this book. I had come to the realization that I was writing a book, yes, but I had also come to the realization that Seven was getting ready to come home from jail and for him to find out some of this shit was gonna be kinda fucked up. I’ll be honest, my major shit was that Dollars situation. Seven and Dollars were familiar, sort of ……..through Big Man. I mean, I even helped Dollars write Seven a letter once for goodness sake! I was in too deep with that situation and even though Dollars and I were no longer, Seven thought that I had been celibate for about two years. How was I supposed to explain that to Seven? I mean that was my future I was talking about, not just some average Joe that I had dealt with in the past. I loved Seven, didn't I???

Note: In NO way am I glamorizing my former lifestyle! I am actually disgusted with myself by this particular post because as I've already explained, I started writing this book at least 10 years ago, and have become aware that if a certain guy didn't play a significant role in my life that I may not remember what name I gave him, because I can't figure out who Chip OR China was for the life of me! Today.......I became MORE disgusted by my past than normal! UGH!

Brainwashed!

2009-10-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

Marcel had me on some other shit. I often told people that he took my mind and ran with it, without me even knowing that it was gone. I can definitely say that I learned the gift of gab and the art of persuasion from him. He was a master at it. Someone who could take your words and make them fit to what he wants you to believe is the right thing. I would probably spit in his face if I saw him today. I don't know why I have so much hatred in my heart for him? It's been 16 years since we've been together. At least I don't think about him anymore because I used to do a lot of that. Initially we were happy and I didn't think that anything would ever come in the way of that but it did. When I lived in Baltimore and we were dating it was bliss. I was usually over his house or he over mine. We must have slept together 12 times before anything sexual happened. It was becoming scary like I thought he was gay or something. It got to the point where I had to make the first move but later on I would wish that I hadn't. I contracted a venereal disease after having sex with Marcel the first time. Three days afterward I felt funny when I went to the bathroom. I just thought that it was a sensation that came from having sex too rough but come to find out it was an STD. After two weeks of what became somewhat agonizing pain, I called my mom and told her what happened. My mom had put me on birth control when I was 15 because she had me when she was 19 and didn't want me to go through the same thing as her. So, she wasn't surprised about me having sex, it was the waiting so long before calling her that upset her so much. She convinced my father that I had become ill and him and my uncle drove down to Baltimore to pick me up. The whole time that I was back in Philly, Chanel told me that Marcel had been calling there asking where I was and why I went home. She just told him I was sick. During my bed rest at home I was treating this disease with the proper medications and creams and such, all the while, Amigo, my current boyfriend at the time, was there holding my hand and comforting me. I know, I wasn't shit! He just thought I was sick too. That was too embarrassing for me to tell anyone and I can't really believe that I'm saying it now but I feel that if I'm gonna put my life story on paper then I must commit to telling the truth. Basically, I can't put everyone else's shit out there without airing my own dirty laundry as well. Nonetheless, I was going through some major shit.

When I got back to school I had no intention of talking to Marcel again! I was ducking him BIG time! He would call my dorm room and I would have my roommate tell him I wasn't there and then I would run down the hall to Chanel's room and tell her to tell him the same thing. Anyone that knew me, knew that if I wasn't in my room, I was in Chanel's. However, I wasn't tryin' to holla at him at all. Finally, he caught up with me at the Howard vs. Morgan basketball game. He asked me, in his country accent, "What's up Shawty? Where have you been? I've been calling you, I heard you were sick. What the fuck was wrong with you?" I told him that I had the flu. I don't know why I didn't cuss him out? I think I was scared that I would really be incriminating myself by screamin' some shit like that out in the open. I think he knew for real what the deal was, I mean it DID come from him! Camille swears up and down that he knew. She still, to this day, calls him a "dirty bitch" and I concur. This is the crazy part..........He called me to go out a few days after that and I went! Why? I had some crazy notion that I wouldn't have to worry about transmitting any diseases if I was dealing with the person who fucked me over in the first place. Wear a condom, right but what did you expect from me, I was naive and immature and now that I think about it, crazy! I was fishing for a reason to make sense of it all. So, I was still fuckin' wit dude like a nut! My overall attitude had changed though. I wasn't really goin' for any of his pretty boy bullshit. I could tell, by his attitude, that the bitches did anything he asked them to. He was prettier than me so I couldn't really knock the bitches for acting like servants for him, nor could I blame him for his overall attitude. He probably ran over everybody but not me.

One day he came to the dorm to pick me up. He had his roommate with him so he asked if I could bring someone with me to double date. I asked my roommate if she wanted to go and she said okay. So, we were on our way outside and I noticed that his roommate had gotten out of the car to let us in the back seat. Now, Liam Kennedy had told me long ago that a lady is ALWAYS supposed to sit in the front. It was the gentleman thing to put yourself in the back seat and allow the female to take the front seat. Well, this was what I thought the roommate was doing; so my friend got in the back seat and I waited for him to get in after her so that I would be up front with Marcel but Noooooooo. He just looked at me and said, "Are you getting in?" You know me, I blew up the spot screaming, "What the fuck are you talking about? You take the back seat, dude. I'm a fuckin' lady!" (not with that mouth! LOL!) but you know what I'm sayin'. Marcel, was on some super cool shit, "Shawty, get in the back seat or don't go!" I looked at him and said, "Fuck You! Come on girl, get out, let's go!" He was astounded! I don't think he expected that of me, so when I started walking back towards the dorm, he was out of the car screaming, "Shawty, stop playin' and come back!" I just flagged him and kept on going. Fuck that nigga, I thought. He ain't even worth it. So, several of those types of situations went on and he started to get the picture. I wasn't taking any shit but that's what, I think, attracted him to me in the first place. When I moved out the dorm and got an apartment, I began to see a lot more of him. He would often stay the night, cook for me and all kinds of stuff. I never had a guy cook for me before then so, that seemed like a special effort on his part. He used to let me drive his car to class sometimes. He had a Acura coupe so I was frontin' when I got the chance. I got that shit towed one day cause I parked in a bad spot and he wasn't even mad. I had come out of class to find the car up on the tow bed and I remember hollering and waving my arms for them to stop but they didn't see me. I was scared to go home that day but when I finally got up the courage to call, I spoke with my new roommate, Key Note, who also happened to be a childhood friend of mine, explained to her what had happened and asked her to tell him for me. He got on the phone and just laughed and told me to come home. I also remember one night when he came in and gave me $500 and said, "Go shopping with that Shawty and buy me something too." He had robbed someone that night and gave me part of the proceeds. It wasn't armed robbery. He went to make a drug deal go down and instead of passing off the drugs, he kept them and took the money from dude. I didn't care cause I was eatin' off that shit! There were no ties between me and them, what the fuck did I care? In the long run though, it caused me to withdraw from school cause I wasn't making any classes. I figured that I'd rather withdraw than fuck up my GPA. When everybody was leaving for class at 8:30am, me and Chanel and Key Note were usually just coming in from parties and shit. I wasn't in Baltimore doing what I was supposed to do and all the while, my grandmom was footin' the bill. Finally, she called and told me that I had to come home cause she wasn't going to pay for me to just live in Baltimore and do nothing. My phone bills were high because all my friends were in Philly and the car insurance was high cause I kept getting speeding tickets going up and down the highway, it was just time for me to leave. I was very sad about going because it was also, time for me to face reality. I wasn't ready to grow up for real. When I told Marcel, he looked at me and said, "It's gonna be okay. I might fuck around and come to Philly and we can look for an apartment together." I thought that was a nice gesture to help me feel better but I didn't believe him. I was still under the impression that niggas be bullshittin'. My first weekend home, I went to the Plateau with Camille and Chanel and flirted with the mens a little bit. I met this little guy with a BIG attitude that day but I'll elaborate on him later. Marcel had gotten me a $10,000 necklace for my birthday and a lot of guys would stop me and compliment me on it. I must say that neck piece was a man catcher. I was starting to feel better. I got a job at Prudential in Fort Washington, PA. The pay wasn't the greatest but it was my first job and I guess I half enjoyed it. Then one day I got a phone call from Marcel. He said that he was comin' to Philly so that we could look for apartments. My heart dropped! I had been going to visit him on the weekends and shit when I wanted to get away but I had dudes here in Philly. How could I jeopardize that? I got nervous because I didn't really know how to deny him of his wishes. I think I feared him emotionally. When he came up that weekend we looked at some places. We found a nice jawn on Germantown Avenue on the outskirts of Chestnut Hill. The ceilings were high and the windows were big. It was nice as shit. I really liked it. So, we put down a deposit and got ready to move in. His birthday fell on the weekend we were moving in, I'll never forget it. It was October the 30th..........he was turning 27. Camille went with me to get his cake and I remember her saying, "Damn, you got yourself an old man." I was only 19 at the time. Although, I must say, that I was very mature for my age; well that's what I thought at least. I got him a whole sheet cake, some crab legs, two bottles of champagne and some balloons. There wasn't any furniture in the apartment yet so I just set all the stuff up on the floor very nicely. I went to get him from the train station and we went back to the apartment. That night was lovely. We got drunk and ate crabs, then we fucked in every room of the apartment, with no blinds or anything in the windows. I was once again in love with him. I used to watch him sleep and everything. It sounds psychotic but he was so beautiful to me. More beautiful than I was to myself and then the arguments started. I had to be to work at 7:00am, so he would have me drop him off at the train station in order for him to go back to Baltimore and take care of his "business" during the day. The money down there was the truth! Mostly all of the drug dealers in Philly, at that time, sold coke. Baltimore niggas were gettin' it in with heroine. That was like 100 times more money than coke, they gave out more time for pushing heroine as well so most dudes weren't really willing to take the chance of getting caught with it. He felt like he had to go home to get his paper right and I wasn't complaining about it either. He would always come back with tens of thousands of dollars everyday. I remember one day, he got off the train with a duffle bag full of money! I'm not gonna lie, I got used to the money. I got SO used to the money that the arguments didn't matter. Me being miserable didn't matter and the unhappiness didn't matter; I had money but this nigga just started disrespecting me after a while. I decided to buy a car in January of 93'. He told me that I didn't have to worry about the payments because he would take care of them. I wasn't dumb though. When I went to get the car I made sure that one of my paychecks would be enough to cover the car note, just in case some shit went down. He paid all of the bills and my money was my money. That's what I'm talking about........carefree living. But that carefree living came with a price....I was miserable. You will never be able to pay someone enough money to take the misery away. Marcel talked to me any kind of way; he was just ignorant. One weekend we were supposed to go to the movies and dinner but he had to run to Baltimore to take care of something real fast. He left early in the morning and said that he would be back by 7:00pm. Of course, he took the car, I mean he was payin' for it but 7:00pm came and 7:00pm went. I paged him to see what was going on. I was all dressed and ready to go. I kinda hoped that he didn't call back cause he was on the highway or close by but unfortunately he wasn't. He called back and and I asked him where he was and the mutha fucka said, "Baltimore!" I was heated cause it was already 9:00pm so I knew that bitch wouldn't be back until well after 11:00pm but that was only if he was leaving right then. I said, "Why the fuck are you still there? You told me you would be back by 7:00pm!" and he gave me his famous line, "I don't have to explain anything to you. I'm a grown fuckin' man." He was always talkin' about he's a grown fuckin' man. I guess 8 years is a major difference at that age but it made me feel inferior to him. He always used to tell me I was fat and I was only 4'11" and 115 lbs. But I went on diet after diet for this guy. I was bent on pleasing him, even if that meant degrading myself. When I was in college and we were dating, he told me that if I wanted to maintain a relationship, that there were "certain" things that I had to be willing to do. This was the conversation that led me to sucking his dick. I got books and shit to learn how to do it. I was tryin' to keep this nigga to myself. I didn't want anybody else to do what I wasn't doing, so I did it all with the exception of that anal shit cause I just wasn't there yet. The first time I tried the oral sex act with him, I asked him how he rated my performance and he gave me a "so-so" type of "It was alright" type of comment. Me, being a perfectionist, was not so happy with that so I asked this gay guy that I was cool with for some pointers. He suggested that I go to the bookstore and purchase this book titled E.S.O. I'll never forget it! The E.S.O. stood for Extended Sexual Orgasms and it was this sort of guide for great sex. Man, oh, man did I study that book! I highlighted information in it and everything. The next time I made the oral sex attempt, I was so good at it that this mutha fucka looked at me and said, "Man, you did this shit before you fuckin liar!" Oh God! I had to pull that book out for him so he didn't think I was a slut......how embarrassing! I cooked for him and cleaned the house. I sucked his dick and washed his clothes. What else did he want from me? My soul probably cause this dude was the devil. He would have these really intense conversations with me regarding the way I dressed and wore my hair. He didn't like anything I did and for some odd reason I wanted to change all of that for him. I actually changed myself to please someone else and that is something that I will NEVER do again! It was me that he fell in love with; not the bitch he was trying to make me become. I became very depressed. My friends wouldn't really call the house too much because they didn't like him. Not to mention, it would cause arguments because he would think that they were calling me to tell me about some other nigga. Those were his personal insecurities but I didn't realize that at the time. My mom called me one day and asked if I had been brainwashed because I just wasn't myself lately. I even got my mom to hire this mutha fucka at her job because he was always whinin' about how he didn't want to be in the streets no more cause it was stressin' him out and then there was that night...... We were lying there in the bed and I had my back to him. I wasn't sleeping yet because I was mad from a prior argument we had. He said, "Shawty, are you sleep?" I said, "No!" with an attitude. He said, "I don't think that we should live together anymore. I still want to be with you but our living arrangements aren't working out. If you go back to your mom's you"ll be right around the corner so it won't be hard for us to see each other." I was floored! My heart was broken and to think after all I did for him. I snapped back almost immediately after that comment; the bitch he fell in love with was on her way back! I said to him, in a very nice tone, "If I move out, that's IT for me and you. In life, you can go from A to B but you can't go from B to A, that's just backwards. You best believe that if I go back to mommy's I'm not fuckin' wit you no more!" He tried to debate and argue his point but I just wasn't hearin' it. He wasn't sayin' that he changed his mind; he still wanted to be able to fuck probably. I don't know? But I was upset! Emotionally distraught is a better way to put it. The next day was terrible for me. I was mopin' around and shit at work. I felt like I wanted to cry every five minutes. I wasn't in the mood for any jokes or smiles. Shit, I was just fucked up! I moved my shit out that weekend and during that move he asked me, "What are we gonna do about the car?" I said, "We? What do you mean we? That car is in my fuckin' name so it's going with me." He said, "......but I've been paying for it since you got it." And I just looked at him and said, "I know....Thank You." And I left. I cried everyday and when I was just getting over the edge, Chanel called me at work. She said that she saw him outside talkin' to this young girl that lived near Camille. I was young at the time and she was even younger! She was only 17 and knowing that, hurt me. Chanel must have called me at work 10 times that day! Tellin' me this and that about the broad. I had had enough! To make a long story short I ended up beatin' the bitch's ass! Not for him but because she was talkin' shit about the situation like she was seein' him before we broke up. To me that was grounds for an ass kickin'. I'm the one who brought the nigga from Baltimore in the first place, everybody knew that! She knew who's man she was dealin' with! So, I beat the bitch up. Fucked up her face and everything. Come to find out.....that nut bitch was allergic to aloe and couldn't put anything on her face to help it heal faster and she was a really pretty girl so I was more than happy to hear about that shit. And you know this nigga had the nerve to call me and ask me why I did that to her? I told him, that I wanted the both of them to think about me as a couple; so when she looks in the mirror, she thinks about me and when he looked at her, he thought about me as well. Fuck them! That was my closure. I took a lot of pills during that period. It was the only thing that helped make my life easier at the time. I drank a lot and smoked a lot of weed. I was drowning myself in drugs to prevent from facing reality. That was a very hard period in my life but little did I know, that particular situation was not over. I was going through it at my mom's house. I hadn't been there in so many years that it was almost impossible for me to adapt to their bullshit again. So, I stayed out of the house as to not be bothered by my crazy, ass grandmother. I really tried to keep myself occupied so that I wouldn't be bombarded with these repeated thoughts of loneliness. And through all the stress, depression and drugs I must have lost about 15 lbs., which put me at an even 100 lbs. I had a broken heart. That is something that can't be fixed by a doctor.

Lesson: Never change yourself to please someone else! If the person cannot accept or love you for who you already are then they NEVER will!

From the Door!

2009-10-09T21:26:00.000-07:00

(Written 5/19/00)

I know I started telling stories from the age of 15 but I was out of control way before that! When I was around 13, I was a freshman in high school and me and my new found friend Tee were rollin’ somethin’ serious! Everybody used to say that we looked alike but that’s probably because we were both short. I’m surprised that we even made it out of 9th grade cause we must of hookied 30 times that year! We were young and wild and fresh out of catholic school so it was whatever. One Friday I was spending the night over Tee’s house for the weekend and that night was an unforgettable one. We waited patiently until her parents were asleep and then we made our move. We put stuffed animals under the covers and pulled the sheets all the way up so that it would look like we were still in the bed and then we headed downstairs. Sometime earlier that week we walked up and down the steps slowly trying to notice which steps squeaked and where. We kept going up and down the steps until we got it down to a science and were able to go downstairs without making any noises. So when we went down the steps that Friday night we were quiet as mice. Once we got downstairs we went for the keys to the car. Tee’s dad had a Volvo. It was brand new back then and we were trying to look stylish so that’s the car we were gonna steal. We went out back and got in the car. Tee started it up and backed down the driveway. Now mind you neither one of us had ever driven before so this was indeed an adventure. When Tee was driving down the street something seemed strange. She was driving on the left side of the road. I said, “Tee, I think you need to be on the other side of the street.” She felt a little nervous behind the wheel so she pulled over and I got in the driver’s seat. I kept looking at driving as a simple task so that I wouldn’t get flustered like Tee. I remember saying to myself over and over again, ‘It’s just a stop and go process. One pedal stops the car and the other one makes it go.’ This made it a little easier. Well, at least in my mind it did but I was still a little shaky so I went to a payphone and called Chanel. She couldn’t figure out how to get out of her house. Tee and me just kept telling her to go out on her balcony and jump down. It was right over top of her driveway so it wasn’t that far up. She agreed at first so we went to get her. Once we pulled up in the driveway Chanel came out and said she couldn’t do it. I can’t remember if it would’ve been too noisy or if she wouldn’t have a way back in the house cause she couldn’t climb back up there but all in all she didn’t go. Tee and me left and decided to go and get my boyfriend. My boyfriend at the time was a guy that is coincidentally now locked up with Seven, his name is Norm. I had the biggest crush on Norm before we hooked up. He was thugged out, even way back in 86’ that was a turn on for me. He looked mean all the time and I liked that about him. We didn’t have sex though cause I wasn’t real fond of sex at that time. That got fucked up when I had my first experience. I couldn’t understand why it was such a big deal for people so I wasn’t really pressed to make it happen again. Anyway, when we went and got Norm, he took control of the whole situation. That’s my type………the take charge nigga. He insisted that he drive. So I let him and we went and got his friend Ron. Ron liked Tee and he wanted to joyride too so it turned into a double date. We didn’t do anything but ride around for the rest of the night but it was summer and the sun roof was open and we were with boys so, who cared? When we got back to Tee’s house it must’ve been about 5:00am. We parked the car back in the driveway and carefully went back in the house, up the stairs, threw the stuffed animals on the floor and got back in the bed. The sun came out shortly after we lay down and Tee’s parents woke us up to go to breakfast. We got up, tired as hell and got dressed. The ending to this whole masquerade seemed a little like a sitcom because when we all piled in the car and Tee’s dad was pulling out of the driveway, he looked at the gage in the car and said, “That’s funny. I thought I had more gas than that?” So you see, I’ve been slick all along. My skill and technique has only escalated since time has gone by. You are dealing with a professional.

Dollar, Dollar Bill Yall!

2009-10-07T21:36:00.000-07:00

(Written sometime in 1999)

My current state of mind is shitty! I've pulled some capers in my time but never unless I hated the person that the situation would affect. This was the first time ever I've had to do something rotten to someone I still cared about. The fucked up thing about it is I'm at a point where if I let my feelings get in the way, I'll feel bad about what I did but since I'm not in the mood to feel bad.......Fuck It! You would think with, what I call a vast amount of experience in the relationship department I would've never gotten myself into this situation. His name is Dollars, that's his nickname or shall I say what he's known as in the streets. He is almost four years younger than me. When I was dating Big Man, God rest his soul, Dollars was coming up under him. Why was I dating the "help"? (as I like to call it) Well, the "help" had grown up and had no problem gettin' at a dollar! (I guess that's where the nickname came from) You see, if Big Man hadn't of died in that high speed car chase with the Feds he would've been locked up with the rest of his crew on the Rico case that the Feds brought against them. Being that they didn't have enough evidence to keep Dollars on trial for Rico, they had to let him go and in essence, he inherited EVERY corner they had locked down between the five of them! Anyhow, to make a long story short: He put me through the typical young boaw routine. The bitches was callin' my house, he admitted to fuckin' some other broad while we were together and he was constantly on some lyin' shit! "I'll be there, I'm on my way".....you know, the bullshit! In time, I was beginning to feel responsible for Dollars. He was my baby boy. He needed guidance and clarification on certain things in life and I felt like I was supposed to direct him towards the right decision. He never graduated high school cause Big Man had him selling drugs since he was 14! The little nigga could count but there was a lot of shit he couldn't do either! I became blinded in this relationship. No mater how many times I told him how I felt about certain things that he did, he still managed to hurt my feelings. Nothing bothered him and he based everything on finances. I know, I know.....its about the "change" but one things for certain and two's for sure, when your heart is involved the money doesn't matter.

Fair Exchange is No Robbery!

2009-10-01T10:25:00.000-07:00

(Written 4/27/00)
You would think after all that shit he put me through I would be rid of Marcel by now but not likely. It was summertime and my mom kicked me out of the house again. She must have kicked me out once a year, so this was no different than before with the exception that she took my keys this time. I was dating Big Man strong at the time so I called him to tell him that I didn’t have anywhere to stay. I knew that he wasn’t going to offer me a place with him because he was a baller. That would cramp his style. He told me to find somewhere to stay and let him know how much it cost. So I looked at an apartment in Chestnut Hill Village because I was familiar with that complex. My credit was for shit because after I left Marcel and took the car, I had to neglect all of my credit card bills in order to maintain the car not and insurance. So, when I went to fill out the application, I went with that Philly cap and gift of gab. I explained to them that my credit was bad and offered to pay six months rent to secure my stay there. I went as far as to tell them that they could forward the payment to the LAST six months of my lease so that I would have to pay them month to month for the first six months I stayed there. Of course they accepted that deal. What complex wouldn’t? Cash makes the world go round, credit don’t really mean shit…. Well, not to me anyway! They told me that I would need $4600 to close the deal and I called Big Man to let him know. He told me to come to West Philly to pick up the money and I was set. After I signed the lease I didn’t move in right away cause I was staying at Ty’s house while her mom was on vacation. There was no rush to move my stuff in there. I came home for lunch one day from work so that I could call the phone company and such to get all the necessary stuff turned on in the apartment. Then the unthinkable happened……….
….The lady at the phone company asked me if I wanted to transfer my existing service or if I wanted a new number? I said, “What existing service?” and she proceeded to give me Marcel’s address. On top of that she told me that there was a back, long distance bill of like $300! I told her that the phone was supposed to be transferred into someone else’s name and she insisted that the request was made for the number to be changed but not the name on the account. I was mad as shit! Flamin’ like a mutha fucka is more like it! It’s been over a year since Marcel and I parted ways and this stinkin’ ass bitch is still managing to fuck up my life! He told me that he had taken care of it but that turned out to be some bullshit. When I was on my way back to work, a school bus was changing lanes without seeing me on his blind side and forced me into the median. The whole driver’s side of my car was fucked up. The bus kept going and I just pulled over to the shoulder and cried. This day was getting worse by the minute. I couldn’t return to work after that because I was shook. I went to Camille’s house, she was about 8 months pregnant then and was on maternity leave so I knew that she would be home. She could see that I was a wreck when she answered the door. She said, “What the fuck happened to your car?” I told her the story and explained the shit about the phone bill. Camille said that I should call Marcel and ask him for the money for the phone bill. I did so but there was no answer so I decided to get dirty after that. I called his grandmother’s house in Baltimore, where he usually was, to see if he was there and he was but I hung up the phone before he got to it. I then called the rental office to see if it was possible for me to retrieve some of my belongings from the apartment, even though I didn’t live there any longer. They asked me if my name was on the lease and I told them that I was the PRIMARY name on it so they said as long as I had the proper identification to prove who I was, then I could get in there. I would just have to enter the security code so that the alarm wouldn’t go off. I agreed and they told me that they would have someone meet me at the apartment at 7:00pm. I called Ty and Chanel and asked them to meet Camille and me there at 7pm and it was on! When I got there I had to sign these papers saying that I was entering the property and so forth but I didn’t know the security code. You see, when I was living there the alarm system was just being installed and it wasn’t completed before I moved out so I never knew what the code was. The guy told me that when the alarm sounded the police would automatically come out and I would have to explain the situation to them. I didn’t have a problem with that so he let us in. When we walked through that door I began to have feelings of anger. We started our search and seizure process and tore shit up! I found drug paraphernalia inside the coffee maker, letters from bitches and I even found tampons in the bathroom! I began to realize that I was still hurt after coming across all this shit I was finding. I found graduation pictures of the bitch I beat up and I tore them mutha fuckas in half and threw em’ on the floor! Believe it or not, I also found audiotapes of him fuckin’ other bitches! This guy was incredible. Then the cops knocked on the door. They were two, young, black cops and we were four, badass, young bitches. What more could we ask for? I began to explain my situation to them and they were cool with it. I told them about the shit I found in the coffee maker and wanted to know if that would incriminate him in any way. I wanted to put this mutha fucka in jail or something so that he would hurt as much as I did. From the looks of the shit I was finding, he was havin’ a good ol’ time without me around. They began to tell me that it would be in my best interest to discard the drug paraphernalia that I found because my name was on the lease and that could implicate me as well but if I found a gun or something then action could be taken. One of the policemen liked Chanel and gave her his pager number. That was an added bonus for us. The cops assisted us in taking apart some of the bedroom furniture and then they left. After that I went into the closet and started putting all of his “good” clothes in a pile, I gave them to Chanel and told her to pass them off to her younger brother. I also gave her Marcel’s Nintendo 64 video game set with all the added joysticks and video games. Camille and Ty both won VCR’s fully equipped with remotes and movies. I took a painting, the t.v. and the mini stereo component system. I left the bedroom furniture cause I didn’t want it. There was no tellin’ how many bitches he slept with on there but I did consider taking the cream leather couch and that bangin’ ass coffee table we got from Somnia. Chanel called her cousin to bring his truck over so that we could get the couch out of there and when we went to move the couch……Bingo! There was a gun under the couch! We hurried up and paged the cop since Chanel had the number. I kept thinking that Marcel was gonna come home and catch us and I would have to shoot him with that gun we found but it never happened. Anyway, the cop finally called back and we told him what we found. They came back to the apartment to retrieve the gun and asked for typical demographic information about Marcel. You best believe that I gave them everything they asked for and then some. I know all the niggas readin’ this are sayin’, “That’s shady!” But I don’t think so. I never called the police when we got into a physical altercation and he stomped me. I never called the police when that mutha fucka took my car and didn’t come back all weekend. I never called the police when he fucked me and I begged him not to…so what? I had been through alot of shit! I know the streets and I don’t play dirty with the cops and shit like that but that nigga was jeopardizin’ my shit. My name was on that phone and I had a back bill from long distance shit. Fuck him, I hated that nigga! If you want to think it’s shady, so be it. You can love me just don’t cross me! I’m not talking about with other broads and shit that stuff happens. I’m talking about my personal shit. Don’t try and fuck me over cause it will come back on you. When we were done rummaging through all his shit and I mean ALL his shit…….I looked around and said, “I would love to be a fly on the wall to see his face when he walks through this door.” When I got outside I went to the dumpster and trashed all the stuff that was in the coffee maker and then me and the girls went to the bar to have a drink. That was a Friday. Since Ty’s mom was coming back on Sunday, I called Big Man on Saturday and told him that I had to move in that apartment. I had the place for over a week and never went in there. It was empty, as it wanted to be. He told me to bring him a set of keys and he would take care of the furniture. That was at 12pm. Me, Ty and Sue went to the apartment at 6pm and the whole fuckin place was furnished, from the den to the bedroom. The furniture was bad as shit! The living room was all cream leather with the 60 some odd inch t.v. full with VCR and cable. I thought, “Fuck Marcel, I don’t even need his couch!” (ha,ha) Then the bedroom set was unimaginable! It was a hunter green marble. The headboard to the bed took up the whole wall. It was one big ass mirror almost as tall as the ceiling. The bed was a water bed but not the regular kind. It was a regular mattress but the top zipped off and there were single tubes of water inside of it. It was a platform bed with built in lights underneath the bitch! It was bad! The dresser had a mirror on it that was like a half circle. The armoire was tall as shit too and everything was set upon these huge gold posts! It was right out of Scarface I’m telling you! I asked Big where he got the furniture from and he told me the furniture store. He was such a smart ass. That was cool though cause I didn’t really need to know where it came from as long as I had it already. The best part of it all was that the girl Sue that was with Ty and me was also a mutual friend of that little bitch I beat up over Marcel. So, I knew that all of that information was being passed right along to my arch rival, who in turn was tellin that nut ass nigga Marcel. This is actually how I know about the other half of the story: When Marcel came home he was mad as shit! He even went as far as trying to file a police report saying that I robbed him and he wanted to press charges. He knew I had been there cause I signed papers to that affect so it didn’t take a rocket scientist. It just so happened that the cop he was trying to file a report with was a friend of the cops who came out to the apartment that night. The officer noticed his friends’ names on the report that they handed in for the incident when they came out for the alarm going off. He put a call into them to see what had happened that day. When they explained everything that was going on, the officer hung up the phone, went back over to Marcel and told him, “Unless you want me to run prints on that gun we found and check it for a body you might want to just chalk this up as a loss.” YES! That was my revenge and there was nothing he could do about it. That stupid ass young girl called Sue and asked her why did I take all of Marcel’s stuff. Since Sue only knew what I wanted her to know, all she said to her was, “She didn’t take that stuff! Big Man just furnished a whole entire apartment for her. She doesn’t even need his shit!” That was the best! The ultimate revenge with no means of retaliation. I haven’t seen Marcel since I moved out. So, through all that police shit and trashin’ his place I never saw him and if I did it probably wouldn’t be a pretty picture. I had a dream recently about Marcel. It was really crazy too. ‘I saw him at this party and he asked me if I wanted to go home with him. I went and he was kissing me. He started taking off my clothes and we laid down on the bed. The whole time in my head I heard myself screaming, NOOOOOOOO but the actions were still taking place. We started having sex and I was crying but I wasn’t pushing him off of me. I was hugging him but I was crying and I didn’t really want that shit to go down. What do you think that means????

My Thoughts in My Voice!

2009-09-29T21:55:00.000-07:00

(This was transcribed from a tape, that belonged to a Dictaphone, that I kept in my glove compartment for when I was stuck in traffic and I had things on my mind. It was like writing with my voice! This particular transcribe was very honest as I read it back to myself just now and probably very real in the mind of other people. This entry was taped on 11/29/01.)

I was thinking the other day when I started talking into this recorder I said, “You know what?” if somebody was ever to find this. If I was to die today or tomorrow and somebody was to find this and listen to this they may be disturbed slightly because they wouldn’t understand my thoughts or maybe because they never knew that I thought the way I do and I say all of that because I’m in a transition now where I’m waiting to hear from this other company about an employment opportunity but I have so much love for the people that I work with not work for…..cause the company is not organized, I would be sad to leave them but I’ll leave them! If they give me the right amount of money, I’ll leave them. So many things to factor when it comes to the money and I’m right back at this issue of sin. If I……not if but when I become successful what are these other issues I’m gonna face? I can’t concern myself with that because I don’t have anything to do with what will happen to me in the future. I have control over trying to accomplish goals and all of that but I don’t know what’s written for me and I talk to so many of
my friends that have different types of advice to give in terms of me leaving my job…..they have advice on love and you know that’s what friends are for…they advise you on things where you just feel too weary to think about it yourself and my way of thinking is so on something else….so on a different level. Sometimes I think that I could be a mental patient. Seriously sometimes I think that I’m a whack job because some days I wake up and I am so positive and so rippin and rarin to go like, “It’s gonna happen. It can happen!” and “Imma make it happen by any means necessary!” But then there are days when I am so sad and so depressed and so stagnant that I feel like I can’t do anything and what’s the purpose of trying cause nothing will come from it and so what and who cares and I just want to die and whatever. I don’t understand…I’ve been told before that maybe I’m a manic depressant cause when I’m up I’m up but when I’m down I’m down! That’s yet to be determined I don’t think that I need medication and I think “real” manic
depressives need medication. Basically, what I’m saying is: I give so much positive advice all the time; encouraging people all the time telling them, “You can do this and don’t say that you can’t do it cause that’s attainable for you…” and it’s so easy for me to be so positive and so loving and caring for all these other people but then when it comes to myself….I’m so hard on myself! I’m so critical. I don’t wanna eat cause I’m scared I’m gonna get fat and if I eat I feel guilty regardless of what it is! That’s a problem too! The drugs….let me talk about the drugs for a minute. I feel like the drugs make me stagnant cause when I get high I don’t want to do anything but sleep, eat some chocolate cake and go to bed or something. I drank the other night and I was enlightened. I started writing, I don’t look at it as a positive but I didn’t view it as an obstacle either; where the weed is an obstacle…let it go….LET THAT GO! But I say I’m not addicted to any drug and that’s because I never felt like I was gonna die if I didn’t have something. I never went out and took anything from anybody if I couldn’t get high, I never went and committed a
crime to get money to buy drugs…..none of that. But on the flip, I get them the way I know how. I was sayin the other day that guys just want me for my body! I’m not sayin it to be vain or conceited or anything but it seems like men just have one thing in mind. All they want to do is sleep with you! Everybody just wants to sleep with you! If a guy is interested in me and he knows I get high or I may smoke some weed here or there, the guy will call me and say, “ I got a $20 bag for you. Why don’t you come get that?” Knowin I don’t wanna be bothered with the guy. I would still go and get the $20 bag. Does that make me any less of an addict than the people that are out here robbin and stealin? I’m just usin the guy for something. People will say “you’re a whore” to women that get paid for sexual favors but at the same time these guys don’t feel any remorse for asking a woman to have sex with them. It’s no problem for them to ask me can we have sex? Or can I come over? But as soon as you hit them with “ Can you help me out?”
They’re confused like, “What? What?” as if it’s a problem. I don’t understand that society has it so that if a man sleeps with a lot of women “that’s just a man” but if a woman is out here doing the same thing then it’s considered something else. First of all we’re all human so we should all be treated equally in that sense but there has to be some adjustments to the way these people think out here. I don’t owe anybody anything so for a man to feel like it’s his obligation to have sex with me is bogus! I’m also havin these things goin on where I’m reflecting a lot on the past history of my life and the decisions that I’ve made, the things that I know have helped me to grow and become who I am today but sometimes I feel just like the men. My book is titled “The Other Side Of the Game” it’s about a woman who deals with men in the street; hustlers and I talk about how these men are stuck and they see this money that they make so fast and they get stuck in the game cause they’re used to that life and the thing is….I could be dedicating my
everyday to the library, a quiet place where I could sit, type and really get it in but instead I’ll get a phone call, “You wanna go out and eat? You wanna smoke? You wanna go get some drinks?”
It’s all an addiction: the weed, the men, the liquor and let’s not even mention the ecstasy…leave that alone all together! It’s all an addiction. I feel just like the men in that sense, I could be putting my time and energy into something that is gonna make me who I want to be but Nooooooo, just this one last date….One more time and I’m out! I’m not better than them. I think that’s what makes me so humble because I know I’m no better than them. It changes my outlook a lot of things. I was told today that I am someone who is easily judged. I explained to a friend of mine that I was capable of being friends with anyone and I never judge anybody but people are so quick to judge me. I never get the opportunity to show them the type of person I am. My friend told me that I was easily judged because I am so outspoken and because I speak my mind.
I’m not quick to bite my tongue at all and if people can overhear what I say then they will judge me by what I say or if they hear me talking about a certain subject, I will be judged on what I say. It’s easy for outsiders to do that because they don’t talk to you on a daily basis. Sometimes you don’t want to talk to people everyday, sometimes you don’t want to talk at all. And that is true and sometimes I want to talk but I’m not very lively or not very positive because I’m down on myself and these outsiders don’t know that side. I would like for the world to understand how real I am. I would like to attain a level of comfort with a nice financial status but at the same
time I’m just speaking what I know. I’m not saying anything out of my normal self. I’m not trying to portray certain things to make me look a certain way. THIS IS HOW IT IS! People may be angry with me for certain things that I wrote in this book and things that I talk about cause they are really gonna get the way that I felt and they will also get to see themselves. What is amazing to me is someone that is able to tell the absolute truth. I think we can all be insane but I am impressed with the ability to tell the truth. The absolute truth-to say what you feel without regard to anything. We are so busy as people tip toeing around each other about this and that and don’t want to tell people particular things. I am outspoken and you have to love me or leave me alone. I’m not out to hurt anybody’s feelings or seem like I’m a hard shell and I don’t have feelings for anybody or what they do because that’s just not true. I’m not like that at all, I’m more sensitive than anybody would probably think. I cry at the drop of a hat. Been known to lay
you out at a moments notice but I could cry at the drop of a hat as well. Everybody is so prone to telling other people what they think they want to hear instead of telling them the truth. It would alleviate a lot of stuff, if everyone could just be honest so many things could be different. I feel like I’m getting ready to have a change in my life like I need to prepare for the change and with that change I will need to make different changes. But we’ll see as I remain if I still do what I want to do instead of what I should be doing. I know that God will bless me and I try to tell others that God will bless them too if they have faith but I also have to be able to do it….to put
some effort in making things happen for myself but I do have faith. I have faith period that I know God won’t hurt me, and He won’t let anything happen to me that isn’t supposed to happen, and I’m supposed to learn a lesson from everything, and that this life is just of the flesh and I won’t be here forever. So that is something to look forward to but I still have my days. I still have my days where I get upset and still have my doubt cause I’m human! People see me and say, “Oh, you drivin a Lexus!” and “You doin it! You come up!” I’M NOT DOIN NOTHIN! I’m not getting anything! I’m not comin up on anything! I have either portrayed myself in a certain light or these people have judged me to give me this image of someone who can’t do bad or poorly. I can’t be broke and I can’t be this or that because of who I am and those people don’t really know me and don’t really see the “real” me. The only people that know me are the ones that get to know me, the ones that wanted to get to know me cause I’m not opposed to befriending anyone but some people have ulterior motives and they don’t wanna help you, they
just want to know your business or they don’t care to listen to you they just want to judge and criticize you. There will always be a hater. Somebody hatin on you should be accepted as the highest form of flattery because if I didn’t care about you I wouldn’t care about what you’re doin either and I wouldn’t care to talk about it cause I could talk about many other things besides you! If you’re talkin about me you gotta care about me!
Sidebar (now mind you Im talking to myself): Another thing about rush hour….Where are all these people rushing to?…..WORK? Who likes to work? Nobody likes to work. What is everybody in a rush for?
I thrive and strive for excellence so they can see me and hate it….so they can love to hate me.

Indecisive Decisions!

2009-09-28T21:45:00.000-07:00

(Written sometime in 2003)

I am so focused but with blurred vision. I know what I want to do with my life….set some goals for myself and surprisingly accomplished a few of them but still insist on living life as if I
was that confused young lady that I was a few years ago. Or maybe not even a few years….Ten years ago if you want to factor in my disorderly behavior. In my career I may be moving forward but in my social life I am going backwards. I deserve to treat my body better, my mind better, my spirit better and with each and every surrounding circumstance my eyes are beginning to open. The things that I’ve been through made me who I am today but if I continue to indulge in those same things of the past, I will find myself standing in the same place as before….standing still in a sense.
In order to change my career I had to change my way of thinking and in order to change my behavior I must change my environment. The places, the alcohol, the pills, the men….they don’t want me to make moves, they want me to stand still and take up space but my eyes are really beginning to open with everyday and every circumstance and every incident. My friendships with the men in my life (I must call them friendships because I don’t even consider being a
relationship anymore) are too nonchalant. They are emotionless! That doesn’t even sound right. Me, the one who loves the act of love itself, is now emotionless. Compassionate yes, but emotionless. To feed the ego is the best food that you could ever offer someone. I can constantly serve that entrée day after day but to actually mean what I’m saying anymore…..I don’t know? What I do know is that I want my mind to be free. Free from thinking that doing one thing will make the other thing easier. Whether it’s getting the booster’s to steal stuff from the store so I can return it for the credit, or taking the valiums with a drink so I can make my body numb and put a smile on my face when I’m under stress or having sex with one guy to keep me from feelin’ some type of way about a different guy! All of that is supposed to be over. I have set career goals now it is time to set moral goals. I stopped smoking the weed, with no problem, what’s so different about all these other addictions.

I NEED THAT FOR PEACE OF MIND!

God has blessed me numerous times. I need to learn how to live out these blessings and act like I have learned the lessons that life has taught me thus far. I am tired….I am tired and no one cares. Well, that’s how it seems anyway. I always say that I will be blessed for all the favors I do and now that I think about it, I have been blessed but there has to be a limit to the favors that I’m required to do. That all comes from me either way.
I don’t know whether I’m coming or going anymore. It scares me to know that I get a thrill from half of the things that I so call “enjoy”. It all just seems to blend in with the rest of the chaos that’s going on in my life. I want to just put one foot on the ground and stop this merry go round.
I want to be with someone but I don’t…..I want to be successful but behind the scenes…I want to have money but not filthy rich and I want to love someone but I’m scared to.
Indecisiveness from a woman that knows what she wants.

The Seven Saga! (Part III)

2009-09-24T07:46:00.000-07:00

(Written 01/02/04)

Already the second day of the new year and I really have no faith in Seven being committed to me! I remember hearing this dude who was a REAL player saying, "There are 24 hours on Christmas Day; it's easy to fit in more than one woman but there is only 1 midnight on New Year's, that's the hardest holiday for me!" Well, I guess I kind of clung to that idea since I brought in the New Year with Seven at his mom's house at 12:00am. I must be honest, I had my reservations. I thought maybe he would have some lame excuse about not being around but he was home trying to get some sleep. I went to his mom's at about 11:41pm and stayed until almost 1:30am. He was going out with one of his young boaws to hang out. I went home and finished my OCD cleaning session that I had started the night before. Prior to going to Seven's I linked up with Tia so I could get my "drug" on before the year was out. I made resolutions to stop smoking weed and stop taking the occasional sip of syrup for the new year, so obviously I wanted to get ripped on 12/31; to overindulge should I say, as a proper goodbye to the "feel good" drugs I had been taking throughout the year. To be totally honest, I don't know how I am going to be able to deal with all of Seven's infidelities without them. The drugs made the situations a little easier to bear. It helped me to be more non-chalant but when the morning came, as always, once everything wore off.....I usually felt worse! The thoughts lay on my shoulders heavier than the day before. Waking up on the 1st day, of the 1st month of 2004 I felt strange. I felt like it was now time for me to make good of all the goals I had set for myself. Since I was high as a kite New Year's Eve, when I woke up on the couch I could smell the scent of Carpet Fresh and bleach in the air. I had been up cleaning all night. It was immaculate when I looked around. Sometimes I loved the strange habits I incurred while I was groovin'! I went to the market in the morning and bought groceries.....something that I NEVER did. Then I had to get dressed because Seven's mom was having a New Year's Day shindig at her house and this was the second family event that I had been invited to. Everybody in his family was rather fond of me and I was anxious to see everyone again.

His cousins, his aunts.......everybody drank except him, I think? If nothing else, I could always blend in as a drinker. As soon as I got there, he left to go to the mall. I got a plate, went in his room and ate and then made my way back downstairs to start drinking with everybody else. It was lovely! I was the first one to crack open the bottle of Bicardi Limon and between his aunt and I the entire 5th was almost gone before it was all said and done. I was just about roasted. Seven was printing pictures he had taken throughout the day off of the digital camera Rikki gave him last Christmas. He had blocked my view while he was scrolling through the disk to print out particular pictures. He had told me there were some pictures on the camera of the bitch from Maryland but I was unmoved by that because I had already seen those pictures in the summer. Well, the time came when Seven asked me to take a picture of him and his mom. He had me waiting because he wanted to run upstairs and put his shirt back on so he could style. Somehow, the little bit of time it took for him to throw his shirt back on was just enough time for me to scroll through the pictures on the camera. And wouldn't you know that after I viewed the pictures of the ex-girlfriend from Maryland that I had already seen, I was then exposed to some half naked pictures of the bitch in a black jersey with no panties on and her cottage cheese ass sitting on his bed! Not that I had room to talk but I mean, he almost had me believing that he didn't sleep with her. But why then would "condoms" be on his list of things to get from Walmart? Anyhow, it was confirmed over and over and over again for me that Seven had as many girls on the side as I had dudes. But the thing is that I believe that all of his extra curricular activities were making me feel insecure about myself. Yes! Me! Insecure! It's like I felt that maybe he didn't like my body or maybe I lacked a certain something from my physique. But either way, because there are so many others that I knew of, sometimes I felt that they must be there because I wasn't enough for him. Why do we as women always beat ourselves up when a nigga acts stupid and does shit on the side? I think that is why I always relied on Gad to take up the slack of self esteem that I was missing fucking around with Seven. Whether Gad had other girls or not wasn't really the issue. When he was with me it was always, "Okay baby! I see you with that shit on! You look good tonight! You got them legs showin'!" Whatever he said, he always made me feel good about myself. His only short coming was that he was CRAZY!

I couldn't bothered with Gad anymore. The last time I saw him he caused me to smack the shit out of him and those days of my violence were over. I wasn't that same girl anymore with the uncontrollable attitude. I had changed. Become better. Not with my feelings though, I was supposed to be made of steel. I was supposed to be tough but I had fallen weak for Seven. Not weak enough for him to notice though because I was good at blowing him off but I was left wondering: "Does he think I'm stupid? Does he think he's getting over on me? Or better yet, does he even care?" I wasn't that caught up that I'm dealing with a dude that treats me like shit. I really didn't even feel like I was in this hopeless situation and I was the helpless broad at hand because if he knew what I knew he would've left me a long time ago. Funny how life plays those tricks on you, ain't it?

The Seven Saga! (Part II)

2009-09-23T03:12:00.000-07:00

(Written 12/31/03)

Well, the year's almost over and many revelations have come in the past couple of weeks. Seven had totally outdone himself last night. First, we went for a drive in the car when I got off of work. We always used to do that before.....go on long rides and talk. We used to ride around the really nice neighborhoods with million dollar houses and talk about our future together. He had told me that he got some good news and we were going to ride and talk about it. Once he was in the car he proceeded to tell me that prices had dropped and more money was to be made. It was some good news for the coming new year since shit had been so bad for us for so long. I was happy for him really. He was becoming a man again, his pride was growing. He actually told me during that ride, "Baby, Seven is back!"

Once we got done parading around the suburbs Seven decided that he wanted Chinese food. He told me that he test drove the new S600 Mercedes Benz and when I asked him who he went to the dealer with, he said, "Raye. How do you think I'm going to get the car?" I just said, "Oh, okay." Raye was the younger sister of a girl he used to date back in the day. Just his type...mixed, hair down to her ass and thin as a rail. But the funny thing was that I knew Raye from back in the day, myself. We grew up together and were so close that we used to call each other cousins. But Seven had expressed to me that him and Raye were cool because they used to talk to each other about how crazy her older sister was. He had told me that Raye was sneaky and she used to fuck all of her sister's boyfriends behind her back. So from that point, way back when he first came home, I had an inkling that something might spark between the two of them but it never really concerned me cause I never stopped 'Doing Me!' I always dated and fucked who I wanted to. The thing is he would never know it! I was way better at masking my extra curricular activities than he was. Anyhow, once he told me that Raye was going to put a Mercedes in her name for him, I was over it! All I said, in a very mature and mild mannered way was, "Just make sure before you make an investment of that magnitude in someone else's name that you weigh all of your options." He became some what defensive about that comment saying, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "Anything can happen. I know how bitches are and as soon as they do you a favor they think you owe them something. She'll be wanting to take her car back and call the cops on you by the time it's all said and done." He exclaimed, "Raye don't play with them cops like that, Shorty!" My last comment was, "Okay, well just weigh your options. That's all I ask!" And that's all I could ask cause he was gonna do the shit anyway. But I will give it to him, he tried to alleviate the pressure of the conversation by saying, "Plus, once we trade your Lex in for the Acura RL, I'm gonna drive the Acura and you can drive the S600. Unless something is poppin' one night!" We both laughed. I had a twinge of discontent but he kept making me realize that I was his main bitch. #1 on his Billboard charts! Nothing beats that feeling when you're dealing with a nigga in the streets. It was the highest title awarded. Queen Bitch. Well little did I know that only a few minutes later, the pedestal that I was just standing on, was about to be shaken. Once we got back to his mom's house we sat in the car out front and talked for a few more moments. Then after he kissed me goodbye, as he was getting out of the car, he called me London! Yes, the bitch from his voicemail! At first, I wasn't sure what I heard. I have a hearing problem but it was mostly because I only heard what I wanted to hear and that nigga called me London! I just put my head down and scratched my head. I think by the time he had gotten all the way out of the car, he caught himself because he bent down and looked at me through the window and said, "Call me. Okay?" But the "okay" was more of a question this time then a demand. I just looked at him, gave him a closed mouth smile and shook my head as if in agreement. Then when he got in the house, I pulled off and called Camille immediately from my cell phone. It was almost 1:00 am so I really just expected to leave a message but because God is so good to me.......she answered and she was wide awake!

Me: "Camille......Oh my God! What are you doing up?"

Camille: "I slept almost all damn day so I just got up at around 10:00pm."

Me: "Good! I'm so glad I don't have to leave a message! Bitch, guess what happened now?"

Camille: "Okay, what now?" She said, sounding as if she had a bowl of popcorn in her lap, ready for my 'Young and the Restless' life bullshit.

Me: "Well don't you know that nigga told me he was gonna put a Mercedes in Raye's name and to top it off he called me London when he was getting out of the car tonight!"

It was always too much for Camille to handle. She was screaming, "He what???? Oh, aint no way a bitch puttin a Benz in her name for no nigga just cause they're friends! And I can't believe you didn't say anything to that nigga when he called you London! How did you contain yourself? You're better than me cause I would have called him all kinds of dumb mutha fuckas!"

After her tirade I began to tell Camille of my plan. My plan for 2004 that was to be executed without hesitation. You see, a new year is coming and I am focused. Focused on my future, my spirituality, my writing and if I must use Seven to spring board me oover the fence, then so be it! Yes, I loved him and I did love our relationship but it was so unsteady. He may have fucked up and slipped with his shit here and there but I also did my fair share of dirt. From getting jewels and mall money from other niggas, when he couldn't afford to give it, to letting another nigga eat the coochie cause Seven didn't eat pussy! Imagine a 35 year old man that didn't perform oral sex! How retro is that? The thing that balanced me out was: If we are meant to be together, when this book comes out and he learns of the things thatI've done on his watch, will he love me still the way he loves me now? Will he be able to to overlook the things that were unsuitable to him, the way I avoided the pain he has thrown in my direction? That is where the true test of his love will come in!

Random Ramblings!

2009-09-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

(Written 12/26/03)

Why do I feel like there's a hole in my heart? I woke up this morning with these feelings of emptiness, I went straight to the bank to make a deposit then of course I go buy something to wear for the day. Somehow, shopping makes me feel better but at times I also feel like I'm going crazy....losing my mind. Or maybe I'm just a different person than most.....more compassionate than others and more caring than any man I know. What do I do to keep myself together? How do I keep from feeling sick in my stomach with curiosity? Maybe I need to be medicated by a doctor so I'm not constantly ridden with anxiety or maybe I need to realize who I am and what I'm worth in order to understand that my life is better than it seems. My spiritual sense always calls me when I feel this way. It's like I know that I am supposed to only be concerned with God's view of me and no one else's.......not even my own! I'm always so down on myself no matter what the situation and deep down I know I am so much better. Instead of feeling the strength of my wisdom for my age, I feel weak and almost senseless or naive so to speak. It feels weird to even write this down. My true feelings of myself and my mental state. I'm gonna be okay........I know who I am and I know what I'm capable of I'm just not sure of it all the time!

The Seven Saga! (Part I)

2009-09-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

Written 12/22/03

(This was written on my birthday)

Well, I'm 31 today. Of course, I feel that I'm not where I should be in life for my age already but the one thing that I am able to embrace is my experiences from the past 31 years. You would think that I was 50 the way I say, 'I feel old!'. But sometimes I wonder if I'm just tired because the game is getting old?

The things that are occurring between Seven and I have been horrible if you want to classify our situation as a "relationship". It's hard for me to consider us exclusive when neither one of us act as if we have a better half. Between the girls voice on his voice mail message, the pictures of women that I've found, and his toiletrie list that he left on his dresser that included condoms (which we never used) I can only assume that he is living his life as a bachelor. I cannot tell a lie..........it's not as if my personal behavior has been at its best. I also would go on dinner dates outside of our relationship and I have gone on at least two carribbean vacations, one with Gad and one with Mr. Valentine, since him and I have been dating but that doesn't make his extra cirricular affairs any easier on my heart. I believe that the difference between him and I is that I am more mindful of his feelings than he is of mine. Why put up with his behavior at my age? Not only that, but since Seven has been home from jail, he has been struggling financially. It seemed as if he has been unwilling to let go of the "street dream". Hoping that one day he will be able to return to his previous days of drug dealing and won't have to deal with the stress and strain of todays financial burdens. It has been close to two years since he's been home. Then when he finally succombs to the idea of working and starts going on interviews; the "Coke Fairy" pays him a visit.

Just yesterday I watched him count over $12,000 in cash, when the day before he only had $12.00! I thought to myself ........."This should be better. Once the money starts rolling in, my life will be less stressful." Yeah, that was two seconds before I saw the word "condom" on his "Things To Buy" list. Then, on my way home from his mother's house, I began to re-evaluate my life: "Is this really what I want to be involved in? Is it possible that I could again become a hustler's main girl? Am I really ready to deal with all the shit that I have supposedly outgrown?" I don't know?

And now holidays and birthdays will be filled with lovely gifts and material items but the position of lonliness is already lowering down on my shoulders. Now instead of him being stuck in the house and stressed, he always has to "take care of something". What's the difference between him being home and him being busy? My subconcious knows he's not around! Seven is no longer at my fingertips for a phone conversation or to take long rides in the car. Stuff that was considered "small things" were the things that actually made us closer. I respect his position and I want to live life financially stress free, as he does, but the questions that continue to haunt me are: "Will I be emptier than before? Why do I feel the need to make other additions in my life in order to feel fulfilled?" If Seven and I aren't together and all of my girlfriends are unavailable, why do I desire to be in the company of another man?........To receive the attention of others? A man who will get pushed right out of the way, as soon as Seven has time for me again. Why am I putting myself through this emotional abuse? Why do I always measure my self worth when it comes to him? I really hate myself for that! I am so strong yet so weak at the same time. I don't like that I constantly badger myself about what is going on outside of my immediate circle. Just as Seven conditioned himself for survival in the street, I must condition myself for survival on "the other side of the game"! I keep reminding myself that just as I have had to repeatedly make the decision to love him or leave him alone; he too will have to make the decision to love me or leave me alone once he finds out the truth regarding my past when my writing is finally published. It seems weird that all of these feelings, emotions, and empathy exsist and he doesn't have a clue. Sometimes I think I'm mental, like if he really knew my true feelings, he would think I was 'drawin' or trippin' out'! But to me I'm empty and hurt and trying to find ways to mend my feelings.......trying to find ways to justify everything that's going on in my life. I say, "How can I feel some type of way about what he does when I'm not putting in the relationship what I want to get out of it?" Or maybe it's just that I can't trust him because I, myself, can't be trusted!?!?!

Note: If the signs are there...........Why ignore them?

The Love Triangle! (Part II)

2009-09-17T21:02:00.000-07:00

Written 2/06/03

Its like I loved Seven but now I could only love him from a distance. I'm not sure that he's even aware of how much he has hurt me but at the same time, he could be such a sweet guy. He says all the right things and has the best ideas for life but emotionally I was neglected. I'm at the point where I need to give someone else a fair chance instead of always holding my breath for this thing to pan out between Seven and I.

Making love to Gad the other night was good, as it always is, but my mind was still focused on Seven and how I need to let him go. It seems insane only because I know that my mind is strong enough to transfer the love I have for one, onto another. But I must concentrate solely on this individual (being Gad) which definitely means that my time with Seven is going to dissipate severely. Will he hurt in the process? Probably, but I wont hear about it until later on and plus Seven had Rikki. She had been occupying most of his time when he wasn't with me, so maybe she will be able to please him for now...........Who knows? But me, what I need to do is try and somehow please myself. Not just emotionally but mentally as well, so that I can become sane again. It insenses me that men feel that they're able to do what seems acceptable for them but react as if it's unacceptable for women to take on the same behavior. Where do they get these idealations?

This may seem ironic, but my love for Seven was so, that I had to let him go! To sound cliche'.....set him free in a sense. If it's meant for us to be together than it will be and if not, then at least I have salvaged my mind and opened the door for love from another. I know that I have become wiser through my past experiences but sometimes I feel overwhelmed by this wisdom with the need to break everything down in my life and analyze it. WHY CAN'T I JUST LIVE??? Just do without the contemplations of what may happen or what could be? Life would seem much simpler that way and my mind would be free from the bars of analyzation!

But today, instead of feeling like I paid back the dues given to me by Gad and Seven, my mood is a somber one. The stability I once I had was now diminishing and it felt strange. My grandmother told me, "Don't worry about it Sweetheart, they'll be calling you back, believe me." But that didn't help ease my mental anguish. I'm sure that the two of them will eventually get over what happened and I assume that there wasn't too much damage done but it still felt awkward knowing that days would slip by without conversation from either of them.
Now, "The Boxer" was keeping me entertained, in more ways than one, and to be totally honest I really didn't have the time to deal with much else since I had just started working again, in addition to working out everyday. Not to mention, my sleep pattern had drastically changed from waking up at 12 in the afternoon and going to sleep at 5 in the morning to having to get up at 6 in the morning and going to sleep at 11 at night. This shit was making me feel crazy! And already I wanted to quit this new job! My work ethic had no strength in it AT ALL during this time in my life! I said to myself, 'I gotta keep it movin' and get my life story out to the world so that my mornings can be spent doing radio interviews and book tours instead of getting up every day to make someone else rich!

*Note: Notice how I desired to live out my dream as a writer 6 years ago and haven't done anything to accomplish that goal until now..........I read somewhere that, "No desire will ever be placed in you by God unless He intends to fulfill it!" So, know that if there is something/anything that you always wanted to do in life that there's a reason for it! Don't put it off! Take a leap of faith, move towards it and you'll be surprised by the doors that open for you!*

The Love Triangle! (Part I)

2009-09-16T22:43:00.000-07:00

Written on 2/04/03

I have put Gad on the back burner in so many instances now, that my word holds no weight with him and rightfully so. I respect that he seems hesitant to trust anything I say all of a sudden, when in the past all I have been able to do is act like a bitch and seem nothing short of impatient. All of my aggravation came from Gad wanting to spend and take up too much of my time, and me wanting to spend more of my time with Seven.

Generally, Seven satisfied my need to be with him but he still disappeared for a day or two, every now and then, with Rikki (the other woman). To be honest, I really didnt feel that I had the room to even say anything to him about it because he had made it VERY clear to me that Rikki and I were the only two people, outside of his mom, that were there for him while he was in jail.

[Note: I feel that if someone is honest enough to keep it real with you from the very beginning that you really can't end up feeling "some kinda way" when you agreed to accept the conditions in the first place!]

Initially, it didnt really bother me because I had Mr. Valentine AND Gad to balance my time out with so, in essence, Rikki helped to take Seven off of my hands every now and then. Eventually, the time spent between Seven and I grew to a height that overcame his dealings with Rikki and my dealings with the other two. Our connection had become so strong that the lifelong friendship we promised each other, had now turned into a love so great that it scared me to death! I thought to myself, "How did I get here?" And then, all of a sudden, the stars and fireworks just came to a halt and I hadn't heard from him in over a 24 period! I attempted to occupy myself during the time he was missing by going out to dinner with Gad but my mind lay heavy on what may have happened to him. "Was he hurt? Did he violate parole and go back to jail? Was he sleepin around? What the fuck?".......I kept saying to myself, as I ate my lobster dinner and smiled, took a valium, and drank shots of Bicardi Limon to sedate myself. Not only to try and put my anxieties at ease but to also make my demeanor my more pleasant for Gad, who was then, very much in love with me!

Seven called my cell phone while I was at dinner but I ignored it as to get back at him, all the while, dying to return his call to see where he had been for over two days! So, even though I ignored the phone call once I got it, my pleasant attitude that I sedated myself for, in order to fake for Gad, had now become one of agitation and impatience. All I needed to do was go home , call this asshole back, and find out what was the reason for his dissappearance! All Gad wanted to do was be with me, and love me, and spend time with me. One did not comply with the other so that made the situation unbearable for me, which actually caused me to make the situation unbearable for Gad, so that he wouldn't want to be in my presence anymore.

Written 2/05/03

(Now peep my mental the very NEXT day!)

Now my every effort is in trying to get Gad to love me again but for some reason, this time around, it seems like we're both playing "emotional" games. But Seven, the one whom I didnt feel the room to comment with, felt it necessary to comment on the fact that I had Gad answer my phone that night. When Gad passed me the phone, Seven was infuriated and sounding terribly angry. And although I was pleased by his anger (because that meant he cared) I was pissed that he had the audacity to come off to me in that way after all I had been through........dealing with and accepting his outside relationship, finding lingerie pictures of some bitch sitting on his dresser, and allowing him to give me those non-chalant, shitty ass, excuses for why he went missing whenever he did! And HE had the nerve to get mad because a guy, that he was aware that I talked to, answered MY phone! Yeah, Right!

So now, Gad was mad because I had another man call me late at night and Seven was mad because he couldn't take what he dished out but luckily, "The Boxer" from D.C. , who I hadn't spoken to in about 2 and a half years, called me and said that he missed me, wanted to see me and that he would be in town that weekend. That D.C. accent drives me wild and I was just about as anxious to see him as he was to see me!

That phone call was right on time because two hours later it was total chaos with those other two! And the beat goes on..........

The Beginning!

2009-09-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

(Written April 5, 2000)

Let's see..................I really dont know where to begin. This was my life on the "other side of the game". What game? The street game. Drugs, money, sex, lies and extortion! No, I wasn't a dealer and I only used on occasion but what excited me was the thrill. The thrill of being involved with a man of power. A man who knew what he wanted out of life and would stop at nothing to get it! That was such a turn on for me.......it seems crazy but that's how I liked it. It started when I was about 15. My best friend Camille was dating a guy, that had a friend, who wanted to meet somebody. You see, these guys were older than us. You know at 15 you think that means that they know more than you. They were "gettin' money"! And that was what I wanted. An older nigga that could spoil me and teach me what I needed to know about the "streets" and sex! You never asked any of them of their profession.......you just knew! And they knew you knew......it was like an understood situation. Anyhow, the guy that I met was named, Liam Kennedy. He was gettin' major papers! He used to pick me up from school in convertible Saab's and Corvettes and Blazers. I attended Girls' High at the time time we were dating, so you know it was some jealous bitches! I lived for that kind of stuff! He bought me Gucci bags and got my hair done once a week. He bought me sneakers and took me out to dinner all the time. I would even go to his house and help him do business. There is one incident inparticular that happened repeatedly that has always remained in my mind. After we used to bag up coke, he would turn the ziploc bag that it was originally in, inside out and put it over his hand. (Somehow, being young and stupid, I never witnessed that part.) But he would have this "hand" behind his back, ask me for a kiss, have me poke my lips out and then shove that SAME hand in my mouth!It sounds like torture, I know. I would always whine like, "Why did you do that? I can't feel my tongue now!" That shit tasted like chewed up aspirins to me! Ugh, I hated that! But in return, his response made it seem like he loved me. He would say, "I want you to hate that shit! I don't want you to like it! I'm turnin you off from that shit so you never want to try it!" And to me, in my young naive mind, that was love. I've come to learn through years and years of experience that it was nothing more than mere mental manipulation. An art form that I would become a master of. Nonetheless, I believe that's where it all started.......................you know, the obesession with the excitement of it all. My fondness for an agressive man and the inability to deny them of ANYTHING!

"I" Message!

2009-09-14T22:46:00.000-07:00

(Written sometime in 2003)

“I” Message:
I feel like a whore again! Had sex and left alone….Again! The xanax for my nerves led me to the countless glasses of champagne and then comes the lust for sex. The enemy was caving in on me and I succumb to my desires of the flesh only to feel like a whore….Again! The same whore he had called me so many times in the past. But now I honestly see why Gad treats me like that…. I’m acting like one! I’m there to satisfy his needs but when it comes time for real life then he can’t handle it. I have to love myself enough to know that I cannot let him continue to defile my body to fill some lustful desire. Keep in mind that all through the night at dinner, during those countless glasses of champagne we consumed, he was using words like “we” and “when I do this for you”. You know, all the phrases needed to make a girl smile and attracted at the same time. But you would think that after six years, two abortions and endless emotional abuse he would mean what he’s saying at least once.
What am I waiting for? He is NOT going to change and taking into consideration that he hasn’t been able to change within six years, I have to know that it’s time to move on and stop tormenting myself by allowing him to slowly chip away at my self esteem.
I have loved before, even though it’s been a while since I’ve been in a “normal” relationship. Whatever that is? When I wasn’t scared to love, would do anything for my partner and felt that same love reciprocated. I do know what true love feels like, so I’ll wait for God to send him to me. If God sends him then I know that he will be more perfect than any man I could ever pick on my own and until then I must focus on becoming whole. [Fact: Lust between one of two parties will impede the ability of friendship.] Friendship is defined as: Intimacy resting on mutual esteem.