(Written 9/19/00)
.......Even if he didn't have sex with her, I still don't play second string so that whole thing is out! But he keeps asking me if I'm "okay"? Which under code of the streets means: Do you need some money? Now see........that's something different. Don't keep throwing the money thing up in my face because as far as I'm concerned, may the best man win! Unless that love crap comes into play and that just messes it up for everybody! When I love, I love hard. I don't cheat and don't want to be involved with anyone else cause if I'm feelin you, I'm feelin you! That's just me. I think I could've gotten married YEARS ago and been able to remain faithful. Faithful is not a problem for me if I love you but loving someone is really hard to come by for someone such as myself.
When I was out from work on vacation, I didn't do ANYTHING! I just stayed in the house, slept late every day and got super drunk every night. That's okay but it's still not like actually going away on vacation. There was this one day inparticular that I felt very, very depressed. Instead of looking at my bull crap on a daily level, like I usually do, I looked at all the terrible things going on in my life in one glance and I couldn't do anything but cry. How can a person who looks like they have so much, feel so empty inside? I was lonely and sad and angry and discouraged all at once and that is a real crazy combination to deal with in the house all alone. I just wanted a hug or some love from someone because I kept noticing how I could maintain a steady sex life with people that I could care LESS about.......But all in all, I was still a very lonely person inside. Yeah, I can have sex with someone without loving them but it still doesn't fill the void. Than what is the point?.......I don't know! Just to meet your needs maybe? My needs are love and genuine concern. Neither of which I have BUT penis........I've got plenty of penis at my fingertips. My eyes are so blurry from crying, I can hardly see the computer screen. I don't understand why I continue down a path that leaves me with nothing? By doing this I can only, always, come up empty handed. Do I love myself? Yes. Do I respect myself? Yes. So this is not an issue of self worth here, it feels more like a mid-life crisis and I'm only 27. Imagine that! But check this out: I've cried for love and waited for love and been patient for someone to come my way but now that I'm getting what I was looking for, I'm getting cold feet. What in the world is that about? Montana could be the one but I'm trippin about somebody that's not even in my life physically. Do I jeopardize that? Do I take that for granted? Do I ride it out and see what happens? Or do I play like I don't care and end up lonely? The whole thing of it has my stomach in knots and I can't stop thinking about that fine, dark skinned, cool dude from last night. Yeah, that would describe Montana. You know I test drove the car so don't even question it! I mean, I did say that we have been together everyday since we met.......That was six days ago. I slept with him five times without doing anything but like I said, I'm grown and I do what I want......and I really did WANT him. I was trying to be so strong last night but then he went down on me and I just wanted to know. I wanted to know whether he was gonna be weak in bed so that I would have at least one reason not to fall for this cat but that was a complete bust! The sex was bangin, he eats coochie and his package was the perfect size. Drats! Foiled again! What the hell is wrong with me though? Why am I looking for all these negative attributes in dude? I like him, so why am I anxious to see what his failures are in life? I mean, we all have our idiosyncrasies so how can I hold him accountable for his? I'm no day in the park, that's for damn sure! So......it would be a task for someone to deal with my indiscretions too. I'm dizzy with questions as if you didn't notice and the only thing I want is peace. I need to go back to church!
Note: How many times did I say empty, lonely and sad? Lesson: Sex with someone too soon clouds your judgement. You can't really get to know them for who they are because sex causes blindness. I said I had been patient for love. If that was true then I would have been celibate......waiting for the one. I also said that this issue was not one of self-worth. But if that was so, I would have treated myself more worthy. I can't believe that I was able to justify these things to myself when I knew deep down how crazy all of it was! Learn to love YOU first! While you're doing that..........Keep Your Legs Closed! It's the only way for complete clarity.
.......Even if he didn't have sex with her, I still don't play second string so that whole thing is out! But he keeps asking me if I'm "okay"? Which under code of the streets means: Do you need some money? Now see........that's something different. Don't keep throwing the money thing up in my face because as far as I'm concerned, may the best man win! Unless that love crap comes into play and that just messes it up for everybody! When I love, I love hard. I don't cheat and don't want to be involved with anyone else cause if I'm feelin you, I'm feelin you! That's just me. I think I could've gotten married YEARS ago and been able to remain faithful. Faithful is not a problem for me if I love you but loving someone is really hard to come by for someone such as myself.
When I was out from work on vacation, I didn't do ANYTHING! I just stayed in the house, slept late every day and got super drunk every night. That's okay but it's still not like actually going away on vacation. There was this one day inparticular that I felt very, very depressed. Instead of looking at my bull crap on a daily level, like I usually do, I looked at all the terrible things going on in my life in one glance and I couldn't do anything but cry. How can a person who looks like they have so much, feel so empty inside? I was lonely and sad and angry and discouraged all at once and that is a real crazy combination to deal with in the house all alone. I just wanted a hug or some love from someone because I kept noticing how I could maintain a steady sex life with people that I could care LESS about.......But all in all, I was still a very lonely person inside. Yeah, I can have sex with someone without loving them but it still doesn't fill the void. Than what is the point?.......I don't know! Just to meet your needs maybe? My needs are love and genuine concern. Neither of which I have BUT penis........I've got plenty of penis at my fingertips. My eyes are so blurry from crying, I can hardly see the computer screen. I don't understand why I continue down a path that leaves me with nothing? By doing this I can only, always, come up empty handed. Do I love myself? Yes. Do I respect myself? Yes. So this is not an issue of self worth here, it feels more like a mid-life crisis and I'm only 27. Imagine that! But check this out: I've cried for love and waited for love and been patient for someone to come my way but now that I'm getting what I was looking for, I'm getting cold feet. What in the world is that about? Montana could be the one but I'm trippin about somebody that's not even in my life physically. Do I jeopardize that? Do I take that for granted? Do I ride it out and see what happens? Or do I play like I don't care and end up lonely? The whole thing of it has my stomach in knots and I can't stop thinking about that fine, dark skinned, cool dude from last night. Yeah, that would describe Montana. You know I test drove the car so don't even question it! I mean, I did say that we have been together everyday since we met.......That was six days ago. I slept with him five times without doing anything but like I said, I'm grown and I do what I want......and I really did WANT him. I was trying to be so strong last night but then he went down on me and I just wanted to know. I wanted to know whether he was gonna be weak in bed so that I would have at least one reason not to fall for this cat but that was a complete bust! The sex was bangin, he eats coochie and his package was the perfect size. Drats! Foiled again! What the hell is wrong with me though? Why am I looking for all these negative attributes in dude? I like him, so why am I anxious to see what his failures are in life? I mean, we all have our idiosyncrasies so how can I hold him accountable for his? I'm no day in the park, that's for damn sure! So......it would be a task for someone to deal with my indiscretions too. I'm dizzy with questions as if you didn't notice and the only thing I want is peace. I need to go back to church!
Note: How many times did I say empty, lonely and sad? Lesson: Sex with someone too soon clouds your judgement. You can't really get to know them for who they are because sex causes blindness. I said I had been patient for love. If that was true then I would have been celibate......waiting for the one. I also said that this issue was not one of self-worth. But if that was so, I would have treated myself more worthy. I can't believe that I was able to justify these things to myself when I knew deep down how crazy all of it was! Learn to love YOU first! While you're doing that..........Keep Your Legs Closed! It's the only way for complete clarity.
When we guard our hearts, chances are the legs won't open for most of the people that we have opened our legs for! Patience and discernment are key components in practicing the understanding of our self worth....thanks for posting....I find it easy to relate to you and I appreciate that you shared your experiences to empower yourself and others!
ReplyDeleteMedinah84........Thank you for commenting! I live for the comments! Just knowing that what I view as personal failure is relatable for someone else helps me make sense of this writing thing! I just can't stop shaking my head at my unhappiness from back then. I was a very sad and lonely girl.
ReplyDeleteI love it! Your open honesty is what a lot of folks wish they had. Thank you for sharing your life with us. How can we learn unless we own what we have done and use it to help others. You are doing just that!
ReplyDelete