(Written sometime in 2003)
“I” Message:I feel like a whore again! Had sex and left alone….Again! The xanax for my nerves led me to the countless glasses of champagne and then comes the lust for sex. The enemy was caving in on me and I succumb to my desires of the flesh only to feel like a whore….Again! The same whore he had called me so many times in the past. But now I honestly see why Gad treats me like that…. I’m acting like one! I’m there to satisfy his needs but when it comes time for real life then he can’t handle it. I have to love myself enough to know that I cannot let him continue to defile my body to fill some lustful desire. Keep in mind that all through the night at dinner, during those countless glasses of champagne we consumed, he was using words like “we” and “when I do this for you”. You know, all the phrases needed to make a girl smile and attracted at the same time. But you would think that after six years, two abortions and endless emotional abuse he would mean what he’s saying at least once.
What am I waiting for? He is NOT going to change and taking into consideration that he hasn’t been able to change within six years, I have to know that it’s time to move on and stop tormenting myself by allowing him to slowly chip away at my self esteem.
I have loved before, even though it’s been a while since I’ve been in a “normal” relationship. Whatever that is? When I wasn’t scared to love, would do anything for my partner and felt that same love reciprocated. I do know what true love feels like, so I’ll wait for God to send him to me. If God sends him then I know that he will be more perfect than any man I could ever pick on my own and until then I must focus on becoming whole. [Fact: Lust between one of two parties will impede the ability of friendship.] Friendship is defined as: Intimacy resting on mutual esteem.
niggas definitely will do what you let them. we have all fallen victim of the champagne LUST a time or two...lol... and dont we all crave the eminent tragedy of loving an emotionally unavailible man? ;) luvz it.. keep'em comin boo!
ReplyDeleteI love this idea of creating a blog and look forward to reading future excerpts! Btw, if you do end up publishing a book, you better give me your autograph! :) -Michele
ReplyDeleteThanx Vanessa! I was a little nervous because I know my writing is so honest but your one comment has just confirmed for me what I need to know! You got it, Ma!
ReplyDeleteMichele- I cant take the credit.....One of my girlfriends balled me out for just sitting on this material that I have written ages ago and explained that in 2009 I can put my work out there in any kind of form! Thanks for supporting me and of course you can get an autograph!
ReplyDeleteWell I'm intrigued!!!!!!!!! More, more!
ReplyDeleteHi Jahara, I would like to say thank you for opening up your life to us. I pray that it will help someone out here who may feel like giving up. It is amazing how so many people may be going through something and thinking it is just them when it isn't.
ReplyDeleteMay God continue to bless you.
Yay Jai. I can't wait until 2000divinetime when you blow up yo. You are the best.
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ReplyDeleteOk Jai!! Dooooo that!! I'm luvn it! Your testimony will help save many young women who find themselves caught up! Keep doin whatcha doin ma! Luv u! <3
ReplyDeleteBTW - this is Steph that used to work at Platinum! :-)
@ Nell, I love you with ALL my heart and you know this!
ReplyDelete@ Steph- I know who you are, Ma Ma! LOL! But thank you for your encouraging words and I love you too!