(This was transcribed from a tape, that belonged to a Dictaphone, that I kept in my glove compartment for when I was stuck in traffic and I had things on my mind. It was like writing with my voice! This particular transcribe was very honest as I read it back to myself just now and probably very real in the mind of other people. This entry was taped on 11/29/01.)
I was thinking the other day when I started talking into this recorder I said, “You know what?” if somebody was ever to find this. If I was to die today or tomorrow and somebody was to find this and listen to this they may be disturbed slightly because they wouldn’t understand my thoughts or maybe because they never knew that I thought the way I do and I say all of that because I’m in a transition now where I’m waiting to hear from this other company about an employment opportunity but I have so much love for the people that I work with not work for…..cause the company is not organized, I would be sad to leave them but I’ll leave them! If they give me the right amount of money, I’ll leave them. So many things to factor when it comes to the money and I’m right back at this issue of sin. If I……not if but when I become successful what are these other issues I’m gonna face? I can’t concern myself with that because I don’t have anything to do with what will happen to me in the future. I have control over trying to accomplish goals and all of that but I don’t know what’s written for me and I talk to so many of
my friends that have different types of advice to give in terms of me leaving my job…..they have advice on love and you know that’s what friends are for…they advise you on things where you just feel too weary to think about it yourself and my way of thinking is so on something else….so on a different level. Sometimes I think that I could be a mental patient. Seriously sometimes I think that I’m a whack job because some days I wake up and I am so positive and so rippin and rarin to go like, “It’s gonna happen. It can happen!” and “Imma make it happen by any means necessary!” But then there are days when I am so sad and so depressed and so stagnant that I feel like I can’t do anything and what’s the purpose of trying cause nothing will come from it and so what and who cares and I just want to die and whatever. I don’t understand…I’ve been told before that maybe I’m a manic depressant cause when I’m up I’m up but when I’m down I’m down! That’s yet to be determined I don’t think that I need medication and I think “real” manic
depressives need medication. Basically, what I’m saying is: I give so much positive advice all the time; encouraging people all the time telling them, “You can do this and don’t say that you can’t do it cause that’s attainable for you…” and it’s so easy for me to be so positive and so loving and caring for all these other people but then when it comes to myself….I’m so hard on myself! I’m so critical. I don’t wanna eat cause I’m scared I’m gonna get fat and if I eat I feel guilty regardless of what it is! That’s a problem too! The drugs….let me talk about the drugs for a minute. I feel like the drugs make me stagnant cause when I get high I don’t want to do anything but sleep, eat some chocolate cake and go to bed or something. I drank the other night and I was enlightened. I started writing, I don’t look at it as a positive but I didn’t view it as an obstacle either; where the weed is an obstacle…let it go….LET THAT GO! But I say I’m not addicted to any drug and that’s because I never felt like I was gonna die if I didn’t have something. I never went out and took anything from anybody if I couldn’t get high, I never went and committed a
crime to get money to buy drugs…..none of that. But on the flip, I get them the way I know how. I was sayin the other day that guys just want me for my body! I’m not sayin it to be vain or conceited or anything but it seems like men just have one thing in mind. All they want to do is sleep with you! Everybody just wants to sleep with you! If a guy is interested in me and he knows I get high or I may smoke some weed here or there, the guy will call me and say, “ I got a $20 bag for you. Why don’t you come get that?” Knowin I don’t wanna be bothered with the guy. I would still go and get the $20 bag. Does that make me any less of an addict than the people that are out here robbin and stealin? I’m just usin the guy for something. People will say “you’re a whore” to women that get paid for sexual favors but at the same time these guys don’t feel any remorse for asking a woman to have sex with them. It’s no problem for them to ask me can we have sex? Or can I come over? But as soon as you hit them with “ Can you help me out?”
They’re confused like, “What? What?” as if it’s a problem. I don’t understand that society has it so that if a man sleeps with a lot of women “that’s just a man” but if a woman is out here doing the same thing then it’s considered something else. First of all we’re all human so we should all be treated equally in that sense but there has to be some adjustments to the way these people think out here. I don’t owe anybody anything so for a man to feel like it’s his obligation to have sex with me is bogus! I’m also havin these things goin on where I’m reflecting a lot on the past history of my life and the decisions that I’ve made, the things that I know have helped me to grow and become who I am today but sometimes I feel just like the men. My book is titled “The Other Side Of the Game” it’s about a woman who deals with men in the street; hustlers and I talk about how these men are stuck and they see this money that they make so fast and they get stuck in the game cause they’re used to that life and the thing is….I could be dedicating my
everyday to the library, a quiet place where I could sit, type and really get it in but instead I’ll get a phone call, “You wanna go out and eat? You wanna smoke? You wanna go get some drinks?”
It’s all an addiction: the weed, the men, the liquor and let’s not even mention the ecstasy…leave that alone all together! It’s all an addiction. I feel just like the men in that sense, I could be putting my time and energy into something that is gonna make me who I want to be but Nooooooo, just this one last date….One more time and I’m out! I’m not better than them. I think that’s what makes me so humble because I know I’m no better than them. It changes my outlook a lot of things. I was told today that I am someone who is easily judged. I explained to a friend of mine that I was capable of being friends with anyone and I never judge anybody but people are so quick to judge me. I never get the opportunity to show them the type of person I am. My friend told me that I was easily judged because I am so outspoken and because I speak my mind.
I’m not quick to bite my tongue at all and if people can overhear what I say then they will judge me by what I say or if they hear me talking about a certain subject, I will be judged on what I say. It’s easy for outsiders to do that because they don’t talk to you on a daily basis. Sometimes you don’t want to talk to people everyday, sometimes you don’t want to talk at all. And that is true and sometimes I want to talk but I’m not very lively or not very positive because I’m down on myself and these outsiders don’t know that side. I would like for the world to understand how real I am. I would like to attain a level of comfort with a nice financial status but at the same
time I’m just speaking what I know. I’m not saying anything out of my normal self. I’m not trying to portray certain things to make me look a certain way. THIS IS HOW IT IS! People may be angry with me for certain things that I wrote in this book and things that I talk about cause they are really gonna get the way that I felt and they will also get to see themselves. What is amazing to me is someone that is able to tell the absolute truth. I think we can all be insane but I am impressed with the ability to tell the truth. The absolute truth-to say what you feel without regard to anything. We are so busy as people tip toeing around each other about this and that and don’t want to tell people particular things. I am outspoken and you have to love me or leave me alone. I’m not out to hurt anybody’s feelings or seem like I’m a hard shell and I don’t have feelings for anybody or what they do because that’s just not true. I’m not like that at all, I’m more sensitive than anybody would probably think. I cry at the drop of a hat. Been known to lay
you out at a moments notice but I could cry at the drop of a hat as well. Everybody is so prone to telling other people what they think they want to hear instead of telling them the truth. It would alleviate a lot of stuff, if everyone could just be honest so many things could be different. I feel like I’m getting ready to have a change in my life like I need to prepare for the change and with that change I will need to make different changes. But we’ll see as I remain if I still do what I want to do instead of what I should be doing. I know that God will bless me and I try to tell others that God will bless them too if they have faith but I also have to be able to do it….to put
some effort in making things happen for myself but I do have faith. I have faith period that I know God won’t hurt me, and He won’t let anything happen to me that isn’t supposed to happen, and I’m supposed to learn a lesson from everything, and that this life is just of the flesh and I won’t be here forever. So that is something to look forward to but I still have my days. I still have my days where I get upset and still have my doubt cause I’m human! People see me and say, “Oh, you drivin a Lexus!” and “You doin it! You come up!” I’M NOT DOIN NOTHIN! I’m not getting anything! I’m not comin up on anything! I have either portrayed myself in a certain light or these people have judged me to give me this image of someone who can’t do bad or poorly. I can’t be broke and I can’t be this or that because of who I am and those people don’t really know me and don’t really see the “real” me. The only people that know me are the ones that get to know me, the ones that wanted to get to know me cause I’m not opposed to befriending anyone but some people have ulterior motives and they don’t wanna help you, they
just want to know your business or they don’t care to listen to you they just want to judge and criticize you. There will always be a hater. Somebody hatin on you should be accepted as the highest form of flattery because if I didn’t care about you I wouldn’t care about what you’re doin either and I wouldn’t care to talk about it cause I could talk about many other things besides you! If you’re talkin about me you gotta care about me!
Sidebar (now mind you Im talking to myself): Another thing about rush hour….Where are all these people rushing to?…..WORK? Who likes to work? Nobody likes to work. What is everybody in a rush for?
I thrive and strive for excellence so they can see me and hate it….so they can love to hate me.
I was thinking the other day when I started talking into this recorder I said, “You know what?” if somebody was ever to find this. If I was to die today or tomorrow and somebody was to find this and listen to this they may be disturbed slightly because they wouldn’t understand my thoughts or maybe because they never knew that I thought the way I do and I say all of that because I’m in a transition now where I’m waiting to hear from this other company about an employment opportunity but I have so much love for the people that I work with not work for…..cause the company is not organized, I would be sad to leave them but I’ll leave them! If they give me the right amount of money, I’ll leave them. So many things to factor when it comes to the money and I’m right back at this issue of sin. If I……not if but when I become successful what are these other issues I’m gonna face? I can’t concern myself with that because I don’t have anything to do with what will happen to me in the future. I have control over trying to accomplish goals and all of that but I don’t know what’s written for me and I talk to so many of
my friends that have different types of advice to give in terms of me leaving my job…..they have advice on love and you know that’s what friends are for…they advise you on things where you just feel too weary to think about it yourself and my way of thinking is so on something else….so on a different level. Sometimes I think that I could be a mental patient. Seriously sometimes I think that I’m a whack job because some days I wake up and I am so positive and so rippin and rarin to go like, “It’s gonna happen. It can happen!” and “Imma make it happen by any means necessary!” But then there are days when I am so sad and so depressed and so stagnant that I feel like I can’t do anything and what’s the purpose of trying cause nothing will come from it and so what and who cares and I just want to die and whatever. I don’t understand…I’ve been told before that maybe I’m a manic depressant cause when I’m up I’m up but when I’m down I’m down! That’s yet to be determined I don’t think that I need medication and I think “real” manic
depressives need medication. Basically, what I’m saying is: I give so much positive advice all the time; encouraging people all the time telling them, “You can do this and don’t say that you can’t do it cause that’s attainable for you…” and it’s so easy for me to be so positive and so loving and caring for all these other people but then when it comes to myself….I’m so hard on myself! I’m so critical. I don’t wanna eat cause I’m scared I’m gonna get fat and if I eat I feel guilty regardless of what it is! That’s a problem too! The drugs….let me talk about the drugs for a minute. I feel like the drugs make me stagnant cause when I get high I don’t want to do anything but sleep, eat some chocolate cake and go to bed or something. I drank the other night and I was enlightened. I started writing, I don’t look at it as a positive but I didn’t view it as an obstacle either; where the weed is an obstacle…let it go….LET THAT GO! But I say I’m not addicted to any drug and that’s because I never felt like I was gonna die if I didn’t have something. I never went out and took anything from anybody if I couldn’t get high, I never went and committed a
crime to get money to buy drugs…..none of that. But on the flip, I get them the way I know how. I was sayin the other day that guys just want me for my body! I’m not sayin it to be vain or conceited or anything but it seems like men just have one thing in mind. All they want to do is sleep with you! Everybody just wants to sleep with you! If a guy is interested in me and he knows I get high or I may smoke some weed here or there, the guy will call me and say, “ I got a $20 bag for you. Why don’t you come get that?” Knowin I don’t wanna be bothered with the guy. I would still go and get the $20 bag. Does that make me any less of an addict than the people that are out here robbin and stealin? I’m just usin the guy for something. People will say “you’re a whore” to women that get paid for sexual favors but at the same time these guys don’t feel any remorse for asking a woman to have sex with them. It’s no problem for them to ask me can we have sex? Or can I come over? But as soon as you hit them with “ Can you help me out?”
They’re confused like, “What? What?” as if it’s a problem. I don’t understand that society has it so that if a man sleeps with a lot of women “that’s just a man” but if a woman is out here doing the same thing then it’s considered something else. First of all we’re all human so we should all be treated equally in that sense but there has to be some adjustments to the way these people think out here. I don’t owe anybody anything so for a man to feel like it’s his obligation to have sex with me is bogus! I’m also havin these things goin on where I’m reflecting a lot on the past history of my life and the decisions that I’ve made, the things that I know have helped me to grow and become who I am today but sometimes I feel just like the men. My book is titled “The Other Side Of the Game” it’s about a woman who deals with men in the street; hustlers and I talk about how these men are stuck and they see this money that they make so fast and they get stuck in the game cause they’re used to that life and the thing is….I could be dedicating my
everyday to the library, a quiet place where I could sit, type and really get it in but instead I’ll get a phone call, “You wanna go out and eat? You wanna smoke? You wanna go get some drinks?”
It’s all an addiction: the weed, the men, the liquor and let’s not even mention the ecstasy…leave that alone all together! It’s all an addiction. I feel just like the men in that sense, I could be putting my time and energy into something that is gonna make me who I want to be but Nooooooo, just this one last date….One more time and I’m out! I’m not better than them. I think that’s what makes me so humble because I know I’m no better than them. It changes my outlook a lot of things. I was told today that I am someone who is easily judged. I explained to a friend of mine that I was capable of being friends with anyone and I never judge anybody but people are so quick to judge me. I never get the opportunity to show them the type of person I am. My friend told me that I was easily judged because I am so outspoken and because I speak my mind.
I’m not quick to bite my tongue at all and if people can overhear what I say then they will judge me by what I say or if they hear me talking about a certain subject, I will be judged on what I say. It’s easy for outsiders to do that because they don’t talk to you on a daily basis. Sometimes you don’t want to talk to people everyday, sometimes you don’t want to talk at all. And that is true and sometimes I want to talk but I’m not very lively or not very positive because I’m down on myself and these outsiders don’t know that side. I would like for the world to understand how real I am. I would like to attain a level of comfort with a nice financial status but at the same
time I’m just speaking what I know. I’m not saying anything out of my normal self. I’m not trying to portray certain things to make me look a certain way. THIS IS HOW IT IS! People may be angry with me for certain things that I wrote in this book and things that I talk about cause they are really gonna get the way that I felt and they will also get to see themselves. What is amazing to me is someone that is able to tell the absolute truth. I think we can all be insane but I am impressed with the ability to tell the truth. The absolute truth-to say what you feel without regard to anything. We are so busy as people tip toeing around each other about this and that and don’t want to tell people particular things. I am outspoken and you have to love me or leave me alone. I’m not out to hurt anybody’s feelings or seem like I’m a hard shell and I don’t have feelings for anybody or what they do because that’s just not true. I’m not like that at all, I’m more sensitive than anybody would probably think. I cry at the drop of a hat. Been known to lay
you out at a moments notice but I could cry at the drop of a hat as well. Everybody is so prone to telling other people what they think they want to hear instead of telling them the truth. It would alleviate a lot of stuff, if everyone could just be honest so many things could be different. I feel like I’m getting ready to have a change in my life like I need to prepare for the change and with that change I will need to make different changes. But we’ll see as I remain if I still do what I want to do instead of what I should be doing. I know that God will bless me and I try to tell others that God will bless them too if they have faith but I also have to be able to do it….to put
some effort in making things happen for myself but I do have faith. I have faith period that I know God won’t hurt me, and He won’t let anything happen to me that isn’t supposed to happen, and I’m supposed to learn a lesson from everything, and that this life is just of the flesh and I won’t be here forever. So that is something to look forward to but I still have my days. I still have my days where I get upset and still have my doubt cause I’m human! People see me and say, “Oh, you drivin a Lexus!” and “You doin it! You come up!” I’M NOT DOIN NOTHIN! I’m not getting anything! I’m not comin up on anything! I have either portrayed myself in a certain light or these people have judged me to give me this image of someone who can’t do bad or poorly. I can’t be broke and I can’t be this or that because of who I am and those people don’t really know me and don’t really see the “real” me. The only people that know me are the ones that get to know me, the ones that wanted to get to know me cause I’m not opposed to befriending anyone but some people have ulterior motives and they don’t wanna help you, they
just want to know your business or they don’t care to listen to you they just want to judge and criticize you. There will always be a hater. Somebody hatin on you should be accepted as the highest form of flattery because if I didn’t care about you I wouldn’t care about what you’re doin either and I wouldn’t care to talk about it cause I could talk about many other things besides you! If you’re talkin about me you gotta care about me!
Sidebar (now mind you Im talking to myself): Another thing about rush hour….Where are all these people rushing to?…..WORK? Who likes to work? Nobody likes to work. What is everybody in a rush for?
I thrive and strive for excellence so they can see me and hate it….so they can love to hate me.
Wow, truly amazing.
ReplyDeleteSpeechless. This could be my story.
ReplyDelete