Take A Walk With Me!

I 'm going off the top here but I've got a quest ion cause my life has just taken an emotionally wicked turn:     What if you had an envelope, the contents of which, had two possibilities. Possibi lity A: If you open it, you find out something that would change entire your life........but in a way that you may actually have wished you had never opened it in the first place! Poss ibility B: You give said envelope to its intended recipient and pretend to be surprised with everyone else when the news leaks.....even though, deep down, NOT knowing what's in that envelope is almost not an option! What would you do?

I am so befuddled at how tragic my circumstances and mental were a little over a decade ago. When I read these entries back to myself.......sometimes I sound like a broken record but that may only be because I've changed tremendously. If I had not changed everything would still sound the same today and instead of shaking my head at my sadness, I would still agree with the words I wrote making it impossible for me to share them! (Written 1/06/03)     A new year but the same problems! Only the strong survive, all is fair in love and war, love is a battlefield, survival of the fittest.....all of these sayings describe this game of love that I am now playing. Is it worth fighting for or do I give up and just walk away? I can't continue to live my life this way because I am really losing focus on what it is that I need to do. I feel relieved when I write and I can honestly say that I have a passion for it but obviously my passion for writing cannot overcome my passion for men. I

I, for some reason, am drawn to reading about the sadness in my past. I was in emotional turmoil for a lot longer than I like to believe but the fact that I can read it now and know how things have turned out just make me more grateful. I wasn't really sure of what to post this time but when I read this particular entry it spoke to me....maybe it will also speak to someone else? (Written 7/07/02) "The valley of troubled will be made a door of hope." Unknown "For polish is the result of difficulties. Nearly all of God's jewels are crystallized tears." Unknown     Today I need affirmations in my life. I am again in a place of despair and lonliness. There are so many people that I called today just to hear some nice words and kind comments but it still doesn't fill the void. Why can't I rely on one human person to bring me the loving concern that I so desire in the physical form? I can get unconditional love and genuine concern from God everyday.

After reading what I decided to post tonight......I think I may need to take everyones increasing advice to just go ahead and publish this "9 Months of Clarity" series into a book. Tonight's entry is HILARIOUS! My son was born 4/3/12, less than a month after this entry, so I was really at the tail end of my pregnancy run at the time. Not sure if it would be interesting to men as much as women BUT......The things us women must deal with, even while pregnant (smh)....Enjoy the laughter! I did! (Written 2/10/12)     Technically, my next appointment wasn't until 2/13/12 but I had to schedule an emergency visit and make a mad dash there today. You'll never guess what I did...........Let me back up so you can understand the full story: I knew the hair on my vagina was growing wildly out of control. It had to be, I hadn't seen it in MONTHS! Every time me and my Stud Muffin would have sex, I would ask him, "Is the hair like a forest down there?" To which

I have to post another entry from the pregnancy phase.....It's clear to me that I was very sad initially. I'm intrigued by that so I may post a few more entries from this vantage point before I go back to my past in the street life! (Written 9/15/11) I have GOT TO snap out of this funk I am in! Its horrible! I have been praying but maybe not enough. And I feel like nobody gets it! Everyone that knows is excited and I just feel depressed. I don't want to feel depressed. I want joy in my life. I need some happiness to rain down on me. It's so bad that the sadness is beginning to creep into my dreams. Last night I had a dream that my hair was falling out and when I showed my sister, she told me that I probably have cancer. I whimpered so loudly in my sleep that I woke myself up! And now I'm just thinking 'Damn! This depression shit is going too far!' What the hell do I need to do to get happy again? Why is this issue of becoming a parent bumming me out so b

These entries deemed a little harder to post than the other ones I read over tonight. I have no idea if someone's feelings will be hurt or not once it's published and I also can't figure out which entry will do the damage? The first, the second, or both! (Written 11/08/11)     Had a doctor's appointment today. All my blood work has come back normal. I have an extended ultrasound scheduled for this coming Monday. This will be the second level ultrasound for my sequential screening and from what I gather, the last of the genetic testing. This ultrasound will last an hour and they will be checking the brain formation, the bone structure and all those things to ensure the baby is growing perfectly healthy without default. I'm not worried this time as I was in the past because all of my other results and tests have come back normal. What I am struggling with now is this weight gain! Nothing fits me anymore! Everything is so tight on me and I look pregnant in all my s

I am realizing today that this blog series "9 Months of Clarity" is being very well received. Not only have my dynamite readers been requesting that I continue down my path of pregnancy BUT I noticed something else once I signed on.........Although, it's still dreadfully scary to post these personal pages....The energy I'm now obtaining from the cyber crowd is pushing me through the fear! T hanks Guys! Here we go......*taking deep breath* (Written 10/24/11 )        I had a very emotional weekend. Saturday was the worst of it! First, I had concerns with the health of my baby because of a conversation I had with one of my girlfriends. She was attempting to make light of the fact, of what we could do if my baby came out with Down Syndrome. Even though she was joking. I couldn't find the humor in it! I am going for my second level of blood tests for the second trimester series of genetic testing and I'm thinking that may be the reason for why I took the joke

This is from the collection of entries I wrote while I was pregnant...Hence the title. This one is a really hard one to share because I feel like I'm standing naked emotionally in these pages. Eeeeeek! (Written 9/02/11)     So, when I found out that I was pregnant.....after taking THREE pregnancy tests......Because I couldn't believe it.......I just KNEW there were going to be some natural disasters in the world. Why did I think there would be natural disasters? Well, the thought of me being someones mother for one! Second, I'm the popular girl with a free spirit who was NEVER tied down with a baby! I've done my share of babysitting but never on a Friday night, if you know what I'm saying! Wouldn't you know that I found out on 8/22/11 and then we had an earthquake on 8/23/11, in Philadelphia no less. We never have earthquakes! But that's not it........Then came Hurricane Irene on 8/28/11. I'd say that was proof enough that this news would shock the

Preface: I have recently in the last two months, been through some pretty emotional things. And all these things have culminated into leading me back down this road I am destined to travel......Writing. And so I will bring my blog BACK to life! Posting excerpts of all of the stuff I have already written! It is my one proclivity of putting words together for means of my own personal therapy that seems to also give therapy to others. The most beautiful part of it ALL......I LOVE TO WRITE! I'LL DO IT FOREVER AND BEEN DOING IT FOREVER! Enjoy the ride! I thought it best to start here given how I've been feeling and these excerpts are gonna get REAL DEEP, REAL FAST!    (Written 5/20/02...I titled the page 'Book Commentary')     My heart today is different than it was and I am ashamed for the way I thought and the things that I have done. However, I would not change anything that I've done or been through because all of it made me who I am today. It has allowed me t

( Written 9/19/00) .......Even if he didn't have sex with her, I still don't play second string so that whole thing is out! But he keeps asking me if I'm "okay"? Which under code of the streets means: Do you need some money? Now see........that's something different. Don't keep throwing the money thing up in my face because as far as I'm concerned, may the best man win! Unless that love crap comes into play and that just messes it up for everybody! When I love, I love hard. I don't cheat and don't want to be involved with anyone else cause if I'm feelin you, I'm feelin you! That's just me. I think I could've gotten married YEARS ago and been able to remain faithful. Faithful is not a problem for me if I love you but loving someone is really hard to come by for someone such as myself.       When I was out from work on vacation, I didn't do ANYTHING! I just stayed in the house, slept late every day and got super drunk every