9 Months of Clarity

This is from the collection of entries I wrote while I was pregnant...Hence the title.
This one is a really hard one to share because I feel like I'm standing naked emotionally in these pages. Eeeeeek!

(Written 9/02/11)

    So, when I found out that I was pregnant.....after taking THREE pregnancy tests......Because I couldn't believe it.......I just KNEW there were going to be some natural disasters in the world. Why did I think there would be natural disasters? Well, the thought of me being someones mother for one! Second, I'm the popular girl with a free spirit who was NEVER tied down with a baby! I've done my share of babysitting but never on a Friday night, if you know what I'm saying! Wouldn't you know that I found out on 8/22/11 and then we had an earthquake on 8/23/11, in Philadelphia no less. We never have earthquakes! But that's not it........Then came Hurricane Irene on 8/28/11. I'd say that was proof enough that this news would shock the world! I have never known a love like this before! I am truly head over heels in love with my boyfriend! I've definitely never been in love with a man enough to bear his child but this man is different than any I've ever known! And this love is stronger than any love I've ever been in....Not to mention its a very healthy relationship from where I stand but this news is worrying me a little. Okay, who am I kidding? It's worrying me A LOT! I'm scared to death! How am I supposed to be responsible for another life besides my own? And how the hell am I supposed to share my space for the next 18 years? I just saw something on the news that stated the cost of day care costs as much as college these days! Sheesh! Oh, that's not it......I'm not married yet, me and my boyfriend don't even live together AND my writing career has yet to take off in a direction where I can quit my day job! I mean, don't get me wrong, I do have what most would consider a career. There is definitely a good amount of senior citizens working here that are soon to retire BUT I don't plan to have to grind for that long! I am a certified pharmacy technician at a hospital. I work mostly in the IV Lab compounding areas making intravenous drips. I'm trained in Intensive Care, Neo-Natal Intensive Care and Total Parenteral Nutrition. I would say my job is interesting in a geeky sort of way but still.....making drugs is not my calling. I was born to write and I'll write until the day I die. I just hope it can start generating an income soon. So, I had a mini anxiety attack today because I was having reservations about this baby. I felt like I wanted to be married and be able to experience this emotional bullshit with my husband everyday. I want him to kiss me every morning and tell me all will be well. Now that I think about it, maybe I wouldn't be having as many meltdowns if I was married? Don't know? But that was one of the many reasons I hadn't become a parent early on and now I kind of feel like a statistic.....just a MUCH older one!

(Written 9/03/11)   

    You know what else is weird? That just as soon as I got over the initial shock...then came the worries about whether the child would be born healthy or not. Will this kid have birth defects because I was never scared of a cocktail after work or on the weekends? No doubt that I stopped drinking as soon as I found out but I know that the 1st trimester is a very crucial stage for the child's development.

(Written 9/08/11)

    Now me and the baby's father are talking about moving in together. I can't help but think, 'Would we be having this conversation so soon if I hadn't gotten knocked up?' I was ready to live with him MONTHS ago but he seemed as if he was dragging his feet a little. He already has a 13 year old daughter and she has yet to warm up to me. But I blame that on her having never really met anyone he's dated this seriously. I admire him protecting his daughter but 13 years without being exposed to a girlfriend.....its no wonder she doesn't really know how to process her feelings. I honestly think that this news is going to make her hate me! I'm sure she probably feels like I'm somehow taking her dad away and that is hardly the case. He's a REALLY great father! Always there for his baby girl....but right now she's his only child and she may feel threatened by another child having to share his attention but hopefully she can come around. I will pray on that too! Seems like my prayer list is becoming longer and longer these days! Speaking of prayer, I desperately need/want to get my spirituality back in order. I prayed recently for God to draw me closer to Him and knowing what I know in my previous walks with Him....If you ask Him for something, sometimes His response or answer is not quite what you'd expect it to be. For example: You can pray for patience and the Lord may put someone you view as annoying in your midst, so that you can learn to acquire patience. Well, I prayed that He draw me close again and knowing what I just told you, I added that He not draw me close thru trial or difficulty so instead He gives me a baby. I honestly did feel like my life was going nowhere and that I was at a standstill with the drinking and occasional drug use. Even though it was only mild use of marijuana and maybe a xanax here and there for my minor anxiety attacks in life, I still felt like I wasn't working towards my goals. I was just living for the weekend, fucking my boyfriend and drinking. No writing, No dream living......just wasting away was what I felt like.......So, I ask God to draw me close and give me direction. I actually imagined myself pregnant and writing for 8 or 9 months straight and it was just a vision.....The reason why I imagined pregnancy was because I knew in that state, I would be drug and alcohol free and due to my sobriety that I would have no other choice but to make writing my priority. Well, at least until motherhood became a priority. And I also had the vision of writing being able to pay the bills in the end and never having to return to the hospital. Yeah, I know I said my job was interesting but its still a job and one that I wasn't destined for at that. In that case, it has become more and more uncomfortable for me to come to work! I was thinking the other day, that a person should not be THIS miserable at work! I looked around at all the other employees that have seemed to just accept this place as their fate. They will stay here as long as they can and retire when the time comes and that kind of saddens me because I know lots of people have dreams. And I also know that its not my job to be overwhelmingly concerned with how people choose to live their lives but I'm just saying..... Sometimes its disturbing.
    Here's another level of stress for me.......I don't have the most encouraging parents. My sister had my nephew almost 2 years ago and when she got pregnant with him my mom said, "What am I supposed to be excited for you to have a baby in this economy?" Mind you, my sister was 33 years old, married, has a single home with her husband and the two of them together make a favorable income. I am in NO rush to share my news with her....No matter that, I'm almost 40 and unwilling to have anymore abortions. Yes, I have had abortions in the past. And what's worse is that the decision to do so was never a hard one! This pregnancy was actually the 1st where I didn't consider any options besides keeping it. I wasn't really sure that I could even get pregnant for a while because I had abortions in the past and then I was diagnosed with uterine fibroids two years ago, which had to be surgically removed in the beginning of this year. My doctor told me after the surgery that I had two fibroids when she went in and one was the size of a grapefruit that swallowed my entire uterus! That made me a little skeptical of my chances to reproduce and here I am......Only 8 months after surgery, pregnant! But back to my mother, I'm not really ready to deal with her comments! Although she's constantly sending me spiritual emails and claiming to put everything up to prayer, I know that she is going to have something negative to say in my regard! It doesn't matter that I never brought any children in her house while I was in high school or college and that I'm almost out of time for having kids or that I've met my soul mate and am in love.......all after, she had been trying to set me up on dates the seven years before my relationship. None of that will matter to her and I don't think any of those things will come to the surface. She's just gonna be disappointed and angry. And that is depressing for me. Its not like I take my mother's feelings to heart so much because I've been used to her and my father's discouragement over the years but in a "normal" world I guess you would want your parents to be happy for you. Especially at this age but its not gonna happen. Now my dad on the other hand, may not be as vocally unhappy as my mother because he is in a different place spiritually than her but he talks a lot of crap behind the scenes and he has to live with my mother so he will make comments to appear on her side. Either way, the news will not please him either and that also is depressing. My boyfriend's parents are really great people and I believe they will be wonderful grandparents. My sister is super excited because she said, and I quote, "I never thought I would ever be a REAL aunt because I never thought you would have any kids!" My best friend is also excited. My one cousin that knows is excited, all my girlfriends that I've told so far are excited and me......Well I'm just humdrum about it. Yes, I know it's a blessing! Yes, this child's father is plenty supportive! Yes, I am grateful to know that I can conceive but I guess my situation is not what I would consider ideal so I'm not jumping for joy just yet. And I haven't had my first doctors appointment yet. That's not until September 14th. They don't want to see you until you're at least 10 weeks nowadays and I need to ensure that me and this baby are healthy. That is also a little disconcerting. If I allowed it, my worry would consume me. The only time I feel calm is when I'm with my love. He kissed my stomach the other day and I nearly melted. He told me that this baby was made out of love and we are both healthy adults and that we have to treat the situation responsibly and I really think I love him more because of how he's reacting but I can't help but think........ Yeah, yeah, yeah but you don't have to be fat AND alone! I don't mean alone like without partner, I mean alone on a daily basis. No one to come home to, no one to leave home from, no one to rub my belly and kiss my forehead everyday alone. No, a lot of women don't have that BUT right now the only woman I'm concerned with is me! Sounds selfish doesn't it? Well, Sue Me! My hormones are raging, I cry at commercials and I'm having nightmares about abandoned puppies! I really don't think I could deal with what another woman is going through. Although, a less fortunate woman's story may make me feel more grateful......I think my hormones would have me too bummed out about it. I just want to be happy! And I'd give anything for a cocktail.

Lesson Learned: All of that worry was for NOTHING! The beauty of being able to do this is that ability of having a grin on my face while I read because I already know NOW, what I didn't know then! My boyfriend's daughter LOVES her little brother AND she loves me. My son had no birth defects and he's smart as a whip. My mom didn't trip about me being pregnant. Me and my boyfriend moved in together right after I had the baby. Our relationship is stronger than I imagined a relationship could really be and we know we want to get married. I was promoted at work to Lead Pharmacy Technician for Transition of Care which is actually unprecedented in my field, as soon as I went back after maternity leave. And although, I still feel like I'm feeling my way through motherhood two and a half years later, when I look at my son today I couldn't imagine my life without him!  My whole life was turned upside down in a matter of 3 years and I had no idea how I was gonna deal. Bottom Line people is: If God's controlling everything.......HE'S controlling everything......the worrying about stuff you ultimately have no control over anyway is fruitless, a waste of time and keeping you from living the life God is gonna give you anyway cause it's already written! Let's WAKE UP and live with purpose!! Time is a wasting!