(Written April 5, 2000)
Let's see..................I really dont know where to begin. This was my life on the "other side of the game". What game? The street game. Drugs, money, sex, lies and extortion! No, I wasn't a dealer and I only used on occasion but what excited me was the thrill. The thrill of being involved with a man of power. A man who knew what he wanted out of life and would stop at nothing to get it! That was such a turn on for me.......it seems crazy but that's how I liked it. It started when I was about 15. My best friend Camille was dating a guy, that had a friend, who wanted to meet somebody. You see, these guys were older than us. You know at 15 you think that means that they know more than you. They were "gettin' money"! And that was what I wanted. An older nigga that could spoil me and teach me what I needed to know about the "streets" and sex! You never asked any of them of their profession.......you just knew! And they knew you knew......it was like an understood situation. Anyhow, the guy that I met was named, Liam Kennedy. He was gettin' major papers! He used to pick me up from school in convertible Saab's and Corvettes and Blazers. I attended Girls' High at the time time we were dating, so you know it was some jealous bitches! I lived for that kind of stuff! He bought me Gucci bags and got my hair done once a week. He bought me sneakers and took me out to dinner all the time. I would even go to his house and help him do business. There is one incident inparticular that happened repeatedly that has always remained in my mind. After we used to bag up coke, he would turn the ziploc bag that it was originally in, inside out and put it over his hand. (Somehow, being young and stupid, I never witnessed that part.) But he would have this "hand" behind his back, ask me for a kiss, have me poke my lips out and then shove that SAME hand in my mouth!It sounds like torture, I know. I would always whine like, "Why did you do that? I can't feel my tongue now!" That shit tasted like chewed up aspirins to me! Ugh, I hated that! But in return, his response made it seem like he loved me. He would say, "I want you to hate that shit! I don't want you to like it! I'm turnin you off from that shit so you never want to try it!" And to me, in my young naive mind, that was love. I've come to learn through years and years of experience that it was nothing more than mere mental manipulation. An art form that I would become a master of. Nonetheless, I believe that's where it all started.......................you know, the obesession with the excitement of it all. My fondness for an agressive man and the inability to deny them of ANYTHING!
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ReplyDeleteJahara, this is so interesting. Are we allowed to ask you questions about your excerpts?
ReplyDelete@onlyonevelvet- Of course you're allowed to ask questions! Ask away!
ReplyDeleteWhat type of relationship did you have with your parents during this time in your life?
ReplyDelete@onlyonevelvet- My parents were young when they had me. My mother and father got married when my mom was 18. My mother had me when she was 19 and my dad was about 24! So, basically we all grew up TOGETHER! Meaning that my relationship with my mother and father was VERY CLOSE but they were still growing up with one another just like I was still growing up myself.Their marriage is one year older than me and they're STILL together. They always kept it real with me about life and I was also VERY spoiled. So, me wanting to continue to be spoiled and growing up with a wild card like my dad, and a party girl like my mom, at the time....I was just intrigued by everything fast and crazy and not having to pay for shit! LOL! (How was THAT for an answer???)
ReplyDeleteThat helps me understand why you were the way that you were back then.
ReplyDeleteI can somewhat relate since my Mom had been through so much with my Stepdad during my childhood she was not able to show me love. As a result I began looking for love in all the wrong places and ended up pregnant at the age of 14 and had my son when I turned 15.
For some many of our youth that act out the way they do, I feel as though it stems from their home life. But I'm a firm believer that if you truly want to break the cycle you can.
Jai, Jai, Jai! Colorful, intense, image provoking!
ReplyDeleteI read in the above comment that you came from a two parent home. You should mention that in one of your entries because I have friends who think that the children will not stray because their kids come from a family where their are both parents in the home. That is a common misconception. This is great stuff! Love ya and here to keep the encouraging words flowing your way. People are going to be touched by this!
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