I am so befuddled at how tragic my circumstances and mental were a little over a decade ago. When I read these entries back to myself.......sometimes I sound like a broken record but that may only be because I've changed tremendously. If I had not changed everything would still sound the same today and instead of shaking my head at my sadness, I would still agree with the words I wrote making it impossible for me to share them!
(Written 1/06/03)
A new year but the same problems! Only the strong survive, all is fair in love and war, love is a battlefield, survival of the fittest.....all of these sayings describe this game of love that I am now playing. Is it worth fighting for or do I give up and just walk away? I can't continue to live my life this way because I am really losing focus on what it is that I need to do. I feel relieved when I write and I can honestly say that I have a passion for it but obviously my passion for writing cannot overcome my passion for men. I can't play this game anymore. I love him but I can't be hurt again and what I need is someone to love me so much that I am enough for them.....they love me like no other and want to be with only me. I can't be placed against the affection of another woman and be expected to just shrug my shoulders.Where is that going to get me emotionally? I have to keep myself occupied to prevent from calling just to see if he's available. The rejection I can't deal with......that's not a Capricorn thing.....rejection. And the crazy thing is that I know it's a game and because I love him and love his company and I love the way he smells and the way he looks when he smiles at me, but is any of that worth my pride or my sanity? Somedays I think it is but most times I'm not so sure. If our situation were to change financially I wonder how different things would be between us? Would he still be a ladies man? Would I still care if I could now be compensated? And the best question yet....Why even deal with any of it when you could find someone else who loves you more? 'Be strong', I say to myself and I'll survive this like I have so many other things in my life but also as I read all of my past entries I see how I have always reflected on the Lord and His unfailing guidance. And all of this makes me stop and think: What am I supposed to go through now to make me wiser for tomorrow? The abortion was rough but I think it was the better choice for right now and sometimes I feel like keeping the baby would have helped me to win this fake ass competition that I have recently been placed in. I will embellish and stop being so precocious. I will become successful and without paying a terrible price for it. I would like to just up and move and start over somewhere without all the emotional clutter. God, grant me the wisdom I need to survive emotionally, physically and spiritually!
Lesson Learned: Most things lost were on me wanting and desiring love so bad that I was willing to compromise myself and my beliefs. Nothing good came of any of my antics until I was compliant enough to really take a look at myself and my life and the parts that I played in every affair I was involved in......only then was I able to make changes! Awareness is everything. If you can be at least aware of your participation in the intricacies of your emotions, then you are aware enough to fix yourself. And you know what I figured out? That person that I was longing for to love me unconditionally was ME! I didn't make any progress toward change until I allowed myself to reciprocate love inward. Only then was I capable of finding any healthy love outside of myself. How could I have expected someone to love me if I didn't first love myself???? I had to love myself enough to know that I was way bigger than the crap that I was dealing with.....and if there was a ton of money involved then I would have become intentionally jaded and if I had moved away, I would have taken my broken self with me. Thank you God for making me begin with ME!
(Written 1/06/03)
A new year but the same problems! Only the strong survive, all is fair in love and war, love is a battlefield, survival of the fittest.....all of these sayings describe this game of love that I am now playing. Is it worth fighting for or do I give up and just walk away? I can't continue to live my life this way because I am really losing focus on what it is that I need to do. I feel relieved when I write and I can honestly say that I have a passion for it but obviously my passion for writing cannot overcome my passion for men. I can't play this game anymore. I love him but I can't be hurt again and what I need is someone to love me so much that I am enough for them.....they love me like no other and want to be with only me. I can't be placed against the affection of another woman and be expected to just shrug my shoulders.Where is that going to get me emotionally? I have to keep myself occupied to prevent from calling just to see if he's available. The rejection I can't deal with......that's not a Capricorn thing.....rejection. And the crazy thing is that I know it's a game and because I love him and love his company and I love the way he smells and the way he looks when he smiles at me, but is any of that worth my pride or my sanity? Somedays I think it is but most times I'm not so sure. If our situation were to change financially I wonder how different things would be between us? Would he still be a ladies man? Would I still care if I could now be compensated? And the best question yet....Why even deal with any of it when you could find someone else who loves you more? 'Be strong', I say to myself and I'll survive this like I have so many other things in my life but also as I read all of my past entries I see how I have always reflected on the Lord and His unfailing guidance. And all of this makes me stop and think: What am I supposed to go through now to make me wiser for tomorrow? The abortion was rough but I think it was the better choice for right now and sometimes I feel like keeping the baby would have helped me to win this fake ass competition that I have recently been placed in. I will embellish and stop being so precocious. I will become successful and without paying a terrible price for it. I would like to just up and move and start over somewhere without all the emotional clutter. God, grant me the wisdom I need to survive emotionally, physically and spiritually!
Lesson Learned: Most things lost were on me wanting and desiring love so bad that I was willing to compromise myself and my beliefs. Nothing good came of any of my antics until I was compliant enough to really take a look at myself and my life and the parts that I played in every affair I was involved in......only then was I able to make changes! Awareness is everything. If you can be at least aware of your participation in the intricacies of your emotions, then you are aware enough to fix yourself. And you know what I figured out? That person that I was longing for to love me unconditionally was ME! I didn't make any progress toward change until I allowed myself to reciprocate love inward. Only then was I capable of finding any healthy love outside of myself. How could I have expected someone to love me if I didn't first love myself???? I had to love myself enough to know that I was way bigger than the crap that I was dealing with.....and if there was a ton of money involved then I would have become intentionally jaded and if I had moved away, I would have taken my broken self with me. Thank you God for making me begin with ME!
After reading this you have given me hope that I can love MYSELF unconditionally. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI love how open and honest your entries are. Raw and uncut, I love it and I love you! Keep shining sugerplum its your destiny.
ReplyDeleteWhy am I just seeing these comments a year and some change later? Well, all recent roads are leading to finishing this thing once and for all! It's about time, ain't it?
ReplyDeleteWhy am I just seeing these comments a year and some change later? Well, all recent roads are leading to finishing this thing once and for all! It's about time, ain't it?
ReplyDelete