I am realizing today that this blog series "9 Months of Clarity" is being very well received. Not only have my dynamite readers been requesting that I continue down my path of pregnancy BUT I noticed something else once I signed on.........Although, it's still dreadfully scary to post these personal pages....The energy I'm now obtaining from the cyber crowd is pushing me through the fear!
Thanks Guys!
Here we go......*taking deep breath*
(Written 10/24/11)
I had a very emotional weekend. Saturday was the worst of it! First, I had concerns with the health of my baby because of a conversation I had with one of my girlfriends. She was attempting to make light of the fact, of what we could do if my baby came out with Down Syndrome. Even though she was joking. I couldn't find the humor in it! I am going for my second level of blood tests for the second trimester series of genetic testing and I'm thinking that may be the reason for why I took the joke to heart? Well, the joke had me in my head about the health of my baby and it made me sad like I wanted to cry. THEN my, no concept of time having boyfriend got to my house a lot later than he was supposed to and I got upset about that. He told me he would be there in an hour and it took him almost two hours instead. What's worse is that, given I know his neglect of time, I asked him was his hour gonna be a REAL HOUR or his regular hour and he insisted it was going to be a real hour. Low & behold it was an hour and 40 minutes later than promised. What burned me up about that was that I never demand that he show up at certain times, I don't nag him to be there at a particular time.....I allow him always to volunteer a time for himself so that he can only have to go on his own time and not be mandated by me......And STILL he's late! He can't even live according to his own words! He apologized when he got there, said that he was upset with himself and that his intentions were good. All that makes me think about is one of my favorite quotes: "The smallest of deeds is far greater than the grandest of intention." Because he always says that the timing was not his intention. Believe this is not the 1st time its happened with him being late and I have been very tolerable because I myself was a terrible monitor of time in my hay day! Speaking of hay day, he proceeded to tell me that if I were dealing with the "old" him that he wouldn't have bothered to apologize either. All I said in response to him was, "This is not the old you!" But what I DIDN'T say was, 'If you were dealing with the old me and I saw you weren't there when you were supposed to be, I would have left!' .......Why play the back and forth game though? So needless to say, this resulted in some bitter feelings in the air and then we ended up in an argument and sitting in two separate rooms until 3am. My feelings were extremely hurt. I expressed that I don't like to spend our time arguing and that I don't like to feel upset and he STILL just sat in another room. I sat in my bedroom and attempted to console myself but I still felt alone and like he didn't care because he proceeded to watch a movie while he was in the other room and never bothered to see if I was okay. Then , when he did come into the bedroom, he just got in the bed and went to sleep, started snoring like 5 minutes later and that's when I started to cry. Not just a few tear drops either, a full blown hyper-ventilating cry! To which I might add, he didn't even wake up! That made me cry harder! I felt like my feelings didn't matter to him like, I didn't matter to him. It was an isolated feeling of loneliness and it was horrible! He never made me feel this way before and I didn't like it all. I hated it! I didn't want to touch him, I didn't want to lay with him, I didn't want him near me! He never woke up once! I cried until 4am, giving myself a headache and very puffy eyes! Then that night I had a dream he cheated on me! Thinking back on it now, its funny how the universe just abides with what you're feeling when you're feeling it! I was already upset about the birth defect joke which ran into my upset of him being late, which led to an argument, which resulted in crying, a headache and then a bad dream! If I could have stayed positive throughout, the situations all would have been positive. Technically, I didn't walk in the door MYSELF to get home but 10 minutes before he got there...but it's the principal of a person being able to keep their word! And I have no reason to believe he's cheating. He's the most loving, caring guy and I know that he loves me very much. Am I being naive if I say, I don't think he would do anything to jeopardize our relationship? Naive or not, that's how I feel. We both have gone through so much separately and then come together to make such a strong unit, communicating, forgiving and loving every step of the way. Another thing I was able to see in retrospect is that, a mind that is solely focused on ONE negative thing can cause itself to spin out of emotional control. Although he has never given me reason to believe he's cheating, if I were to constantly harp on that topic, I could come up with plenty of reasons why he "could" be. What I already know in life from my own experience is that if there is something meant for you to know, you will most certainly find out....The universe will ensure that it fall right in your lap! I should be focusing all my extra energy on my writing. I feel a lot more well-rounded when I spend time writing. Just like me getting everything out on paper now feels like I've taken a deep breath. This has also helped me to see the part that I have played in all the situations, and that helps me to grow as a person. Not just in a relationship, but for myself as an individual.
Learning Through Pregnancy!
Lesson Learned: I have to admit.....I almost laughed through this entire entry! One reason being, I can't even remember who the girlfriend WAS that made the birth defect joke! But some of my friends have a wicked sense of humor and she had no idea what I was going through inside; so she was probably trying to lighten my depressed mood. Then the fact that I was mad about my sweetheart being late. How dare I?! I am hardly ever on time myself! But add that to the fact I just got there 10 minutes before him! It's not like I was waiting all that time he wasn't there. I probably couldn't discern that I was angry because I rushed home and could have still been out as well! I was undoubtedly late myself! LOL. But what I can appreciate was that by writing it out, I was able to flip it around the right way. Look at it from a different vantage point. I was persecuting him in my mind for all the men in my past that have done wrong by me. He's not responsible for their mistakes and so I shouldn't treat him like he's capable of their underestimation. I grew some during this one......I can see my sprouting through these words!
Thanks Guys!
Here we go......*taking deep breath*
(Written 10/24/11)
I had a very emotional weekend. Saturday was the worst of it! First, I had concerns with the health of my baby because of a conversation I had with one of my girlfriends. She was attempting to make light of the fact, of what we could do if my baby came out with Down Syndrome. Even though she was joking. I couldn't find the humor in it! I am going for my second level of blood tests for the second trimester series of genetic testing and I'm thinking that may be the reason for why I took the joke to heart? Well, the joke had me in my head about the health of my baby and it made me sad like I wanted to cry. THEN my, no concept of time having boyfriend got to my house a lot later than he was supposed to and I got upset about that. He told me he would be there in an hour and it took him almost two hours instead. What's worse is that, given I know his neglect of time, I asked him was his hour gonna be a REAL HOUR or his regular hour and he insisted it was going to be a real hour. Low & behold it was an hour and 40 minutes later than promised. What burned me up about that was that I never demand that he show up at certain times, I don't nag him to be there at a particular time.....I allow him always to volunteer a time for himself so that he can only have to go on his own time and not be mandated by me......And STILL he's late! He can't even live according to his own words! He apologized when he got there, said that he was upset with himself and that his intentions were good. All that makes me think about is one of my favorite quotes: "The smallest of deeds is far greater than the grandest of intention." Because he always says that the timing was not his intention. Believe this is not the 1st time its happened with him being late and I have been very tolerable because I myself was a terrible monitor of time in my hay day! Speaking of hay day, he proceeded to tell me that if I were dealing with the "old" him that he wouldn't have bothered to apologize either. All I said in response to him was, "This is not the old you!" But what I DIDN'T say was, 'If you were dealing with the old me and I saw you weren't there when you were supposed to be, I would have left!' .......Why play the back and forth game though? So needless to say, this resulted in some bitter feelings in the air and then we ended up in an argument and sitting in two separate rooms until 3am. My feelings were extremely hurt. I expressed that I don't like to spend our time arguing and that I don't like to feel upset and he STILL just sat in another room. I sat in my bedroom and attempted to console myself but I still felt alone and like he didn't care because he proceeded to watch a movie while he was in the other room and never bothered to see if I was okay. Then , when he did come into the bedroom, he just got in the bed and went to sleep, started snoring like 5 minutes later and that's when I started to cry. Not just a few tear drops either, a full blown hyper-ventilating cry! To which I might add, he didn't even wake up! That made me cry harder! I felt like my feelings didn't matter to him like, I didn't matter to him. It was an isolated feeling of loneliness and it was horrible! He never made me feel this way before and I didn't like it all. I hated it! I didn't want to touch him, I didn't want to lay with him, I didn't want him near me! He never woke up once! I cried until 4am, giving myself a headache and very puffy eyes! Then that night I had a dream he cheated on me! Thinking back on it now, its funny how the universe just abides with what you're feeling when you're feeling it! I was already upset about the birth defect joke which ran into my upset of him being late, which led to an argument, which resulted in crying, a headache and then a bad dream! If I could have stayed positive throughout, the situations all would have been positive. Technically, I didn't walk in the door MYSELF to get home but 10 minutes before he got there...but it's the principal of a person being able to keep their word! And I have no reason to believe he's cheating. He's the most loving, caring guy and I know that he loves me very much. Am I being naive if I say, I don't think he would do anything to jeopardize our relationship? Naive or not, that's how I feel. We both have gone through so much separately and then come together to make such a strong unit, communicating, forgiving and loving every step of the way. Another thing I was able to see in retrospect is that, a mind that is solely focused on ONE negative thing can cause itself to spin out of emotional control. Although he has never given me reason to believe he's cheating, if I were to constantly harp on that topic, I could come up with plenty of reasons why he "could" be. What I already know in life from my own experience is that if there is something meant for you to know, you will most certainly find out....The universe will ensure that it fall right in your lap! I should be focusing all my extra energy on my writing. I feel a lot more well-rounded when I spend time writing. Just like me getting everything out on paper now feels like I've taken a deep breath. This has also helped me to see the part that I have played in all the situations, and that helps me to grow as a person. Not just in a relationship, but for myself as an individual.
Learning Through Pregnancy!
Lesson Learned: I have to admit.....I almost laughed through this entire entry! One reason being, I can't even remember who the girlfriend WAS that made the birth defect joke! But some of my friends have a wicked sense of humor and she had no idea what I was going through inside; so she was probably trying to lighten my depressed mood. Then the fact that I was mad about my sweetheart being late. How dare I?! I am hardly ever on time myself! But add that to the fact I just got there 10 minutes before him! It's not like I was waiting all that time he wasn't there. I probably couldn't discern that I was angry because I rushed home and could have still been out as well! I was undoubtedly late myself! LOL. But what I can appreciate was that by writing it out, I was able to flip it around the right way. Look at it from a different vantage point. I was persecuting him in my mind for all the men in my past that have done wrong by me. He's not responsible for their mistakes and so I shouldn't treat him like he's capable of their underestimation. I grew some during this one......I can see my sprouting through these words!
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