Take A Walk With Me!

( This was transcribed from a tape, that belonged to a Dictaphone , that I kept in my glove compartment for when I was stuck in traffic and I had things on my mind. It was like writing with my voice! This particular transcribe was very honest as I read it back to myself just now and probably very real in the mind of other people. This entry was taped on 11/29/01.) I was thinking the other day when I started talking into this recorder I said, “You know what?” if somebody was ever to find this. If I was to die today or tomorrow and somebody was to find this and listen to this they may be disturbed slightly because they wouldn ’t understand my thoughts or maybe because they never knew that I thought the way I do and I say all of that because I’m in a transition now where I’m waiting to hear from this other company about an employment opportunity but I have so much love for the people that I work with not work for…..cause the company is not organized, I would be sad to leave them but I’ll

(Written sometime in 2003) I am so focused but with blurred vision. I know what I want to do with my life….set some goals for myself and surprisingly accomplished a few of them but still insist on living life as if I was that confused young lady that I was a few years ago. Or maybe not even a few years….Ten years ago if you want to factor in my disorderly behavior. In my career I may be moving forward but in my social life I am going backwards. I deserve to treat my body better, my mind better, my spirit better and with each and every surrounding circumstance my eyes are beginning to open. The things that I’ve been through made me who I am today but if I continue to indulge in those same things of the past, I will find myself standing in the same place as before….standing still in a sense. In order to change my career I had to change my way of thinking and in order to change my behavior I must change my environment. The places, the alcohol, the pills, the men….they don’t want me to mak

(Written 01/02/04) Already the second day of the new year and I really have no faith in Seven being committed to me! I remember hearing this dude who was a REAL player saying, "There are 24 hours on Christmas Day; it's easy to fit in more than one woman but there is only 1 midnight on New Year's, that's the hardest holiday for me!" Well, I guess I kind of clung to that idea since I brought in the New Year with Seven at his mom's house at 12:00am. I must be honest, I had my reservations. I thought maybe he would have some lame excuse about not being around but he was home trying to get some sleep. I went to his mom's at about 11:41pm and stayed until almost 1:30am. He was going out with one of his young boaws to hang out. I went home and finished my OCD cleaning session that I had started the night before. Prior to going to Seven's I linked up with Tia so I could get my "drug" on before the year was out. I made resolutions to stop smoki

(Written 12/31/03) Well, the year's almost over and many revelations have come in the past couple of weeks. Seven had totally outdone himself last night. First, we went for a drive in the car when I got off of work . We always used to do that before.....go on long rides and talk. We used to ride around the really nice neighborhoods with million dollar houses and talk about our future together. He had told me that he got some good news and we were going to ride and talk about it. Once he was in the car he proceeded to tell me that prices had dropped and more money was to be made. It was some good news for the coming new year since shit had been so bad for us for so long. I was happy for him really. He was becoming a man again, his pride was growing. He actually told me during that ride, "Baby, Seven is back!" Once we got done parading around the suburbs Seven decided that he wanted Chinese food. He told me that he test drove the new S600 Mercedes Benz and when I asked him

(Written 12/26/03) Why do I feel like there's a hole in my heart? I woke up this morning with these feelings of emptiness, I went straight to the bank to make a deposit then of course I go buy something to wear for the day. Somehow, shopping makes me feel better but at times I also feel like I'm going crazy....losing my mind. Or maybe I'm just a different person than most.....more compassionate than others and more caring than any man I know. What do I do to keep myself together? How do I keep from feeling sick in my stomach with curiosity? Maybe I need to be medicated by a doctor so I'm not constantly ridden with anxiety or maybe I need to realize who I am and what I'm worth in order to understand that my life is better than it seems. My spiritual sense always calls me when I feel this way. It's like I know that I am supposed to only be concerned with God's view of me and no one else's.......not even my own! I'm always so down on myself no matt

Written 12/22/03 (This was written on my birthday) Well, I'm 31 today. Of course, I feel that I'm not where I should be in life for my age already but the one thing that I am able to embrace is my experiences from the past 31 years. You would think that I was 50 the way I say, 'I feel old!'. But sometimes I wonder if I'm just tired because the game is getting old? The things that are occurring between Seven and I have been horrible if you want to classify our situation as a "relationship". It's hard for me to consider us exclusive when neither one of us act as if we have a better half. Between the girls voice on his voice mail message, the pictures of women that I've found, and his toiletrie list that he left on his dresser that included condoms (which we never used) I can only assume that he is living his life as a bachelor. I cannot tell a lie..........it's not as if my personal behavior has been at its best. I also would go on dinner da

Written 2/06/03 Its like I loved Seven but now I could only love him from a distance. I'm not sure that he's even aware of how much he has hurt me but at the same time, he could be such a sweet guy. He says all the right things and has the best ideas for life but emotionally I was neglected. I'm at the point where I need to give someone else a fair chance instead of always holding my breath for this thing to pan out between Seven and I. Making love to Gad the other night was good, as it always is, but my mind was still focused on Seven and how I need to let him go. It seems insane only because I know that my mind is strong enough to transfer the love I have for one, onto another. But I must concentrate solely on this individual (being Gad) which definitely means that my time with Seven is going to dissipate severely. Will he hurt in the process? Probably, but I wont hear about it until later on and plus Seven had Rikki. She had been occupying most of his time wh

Written on 2/04/03 I have put Gad on the back burner in so many instances now, that my word holds no weight with him and rightfully so. I respect that he seems hesitant to trust anything I say all of a sudden, when in the past all I have been able to do is act like a bitch and seem nothing short of impatient. All of my aggravation came from Gad wanting to spend and take up too much of my time, and me wanting to spend more of my time with Seven. Generally, Seven satisfied my need to be with him but he still disappeared for a day or two, every now and then, with Rikki (the other woman). To be honest, I really didnt feel that I had the room to even say anything to him about it because he had made it VERY clear to me that Rikki and I were the only two people, outside of his mom, that were there for him while he was in jail. [ Note: I feel that if someone is honest enough to keep it real with you from the very beginning that you really can't end up feeling "some

(Written April 5, 2000) Let's see..................I really dont know where to begin. This was my life on the "other side of the game". What game? The street game. Drugs, money, sex, lies and extortion! No, I wasn't a dealer and I only used on occasion but what excited me was the thrill. The thrill of being involved with a man of power. A man who knew what he wanted out of life and would stop at nothing to get it! That was such a turn on for me.......it seems crazy but that's how I liked it. It started when I was about 15. My best friend Camille was dating a guy, that had a friend, who wanted to meet somebody. You see, these guys were older than us. You know at 15 you think that means that they know more than you. They were "gettin' money"! And that was what I wanted. An older nigga that could spoil me and teach me what I needed to know about the "streets" and sex! You never asked any of them of their profession.......you just knew! An

(Written sometime in 2003) “I” Message: I feel like a whore again! Had sex and left alone….Again! The xanax for my nerves led me to the countless glasses of champagne and then comes the lust for sex. The enemy was caving in on me and I succumb to my desires of the flesh only to feel like a whore….Again! The same whore he had called me so many times in the past. But now I honestly see why Gad treats me like that…. I’m acting like one! I’m there to satisfy his needs but when it comes time for real life then he can’t handle it. I have to love myself enough to know that I cannot let him continue to defile my body to fill some lustful desire. Keep in mind that all through the night at dinner, during those countless glasses of champagne we consumed, he was using words like “we” and “when I do this for you”. You know, all the phrases needed to make a girl smile and attracted at the same time. But you would think that after six years, two abortions and endless emotional abuse he would mean wha