Indecisive Decisions!

(Written sometime in 2003)

I am so focused but with blurred vision. I know what I want to do with my life….set some goals for myself and surprisingly accomplished a few of them but still insist on living life as if I
was that confused young lady that I was a few years ago. Or maybe not even a few years….Ten years ago if you want to factor in my disorderly behavior. In my career I may be moving forward but in my social life I am going backwards. I deserve to treat my body better, my mind better, my spirit better and with each and every surrounding circumstance my eyes are beginning to open. The things that I’ve been through made me who I am today but if I continue to indulge in those same things of the past, I will find myself standing in the same place as before….standing still in a sense.
In order to change my career I had to change my way of thinking and in order to change my behavior I must change my environment. The places, the alcohol, the pills, the men….they don’t want me to make moves, they want me to stand still and take up space but my eyes are really beginning to open with everyday and every circumstance and every incident. My friendships with the men in my life (I must call them friendships because I don’t even consider being a
relationship anymore) are too nonchalant. They are emotionless! That doesn’t even sound right. Me, the one who loves the act of love itself, is now emotionless. Compassionate yes, but emotionless. To feed the ego is the best food that you could ever offer someone. I can constantly serve that entrée day after day but to actually mean what I’m saying anymore…..I don’t know? What I do know is that I want my mind to be free. Free from thinking that doing one thing will make the other thing easier. Whether it’s getting the booster’s to steal stuff from the store so I can return it for the credit, or taking the valiums with a drink so I can make my body numb and put a smile on my face when I’m under stress or having sex with one guy to keep me from feelin’ some type of way about a different guy! All of that is supposed to be over. I have set career goals now it is time to set moral goals. I stopped smoking the weed, with no problem, what’s so different about all these other addictions.

I NEED THAT FOR PEACE OF MIND!

God has blessed me numerous times. I need to learn how to live out these blessings and act like I have learned the lessons that life has taught me thus far. I am tired….I am tired and no one cares. Well, that’s how it seems anyway. I always say that I will be blessed for all the favors I do and now that I think about it, I have been blessed but there has to be a limit to the favors that I’m required to do. That all comes from me either way.
I don’t know whether I’m coming or going anymore. It scares me to know that I get a thrill from half of the things that I so call “enjoy”. It all just seems to blend in with the rest of the chaos that’s going on in my life. I want to just put one foot on the ground and stop this merry go round.
I want to be with someone but I don’t…..I want to be successful but behind the scenes…I want to have money but not filthy rich and I want to love someone but I’m scared to.
Indecisiveness from a woman that knows what she wants.