The Seven Saga! (Part I)

Written 12/22/03

(This was written on my birthday)

Well, I'm 31 today. Of course, I feel that I'm not where I should be in life for my age already but the one thing that I am able to embrace is my experiences from the past 31 years. You would think that I was 50 the way I say, 'I feel old!'. But sometimes I wonder if I'm just tired because the game is getting old?

The things that are occurring between Seven and I have been horrible if you want to classify our situation as a "relationship". It's hard for me to consider us exclusive when neither one of us act as if we have a better half. Between the girls voice on his voice mail message, the pictures of women that I've found, and his toiletrie list that he left on his dresser that included condoms (which we never used) I can only assume that he is living his life as a bachelor. I cannot tell a lie..........it's not as if my personal behavior has been at its best. I also would go on dinner dates outside of our relationship and I have gone on at least two carribbean vacations, one with Gad and one with Mr. Valentine, since him and I have been dating but that doesn't make his extra cirricular affairs any easier on my heart. I believe that the difference between him and I is that I am more mindful of his feelings than he is of mine. Why put up with his behavior at my age? Not only that, but since Seven has been home from jail, he has been struggling financially. It seemed as if he has been unwilling to let go of the "street dream". Hoping that one day he will be able to return to his previous days of drug dealing and won't have to deal with the stress and strain of todays financial burdens. It has been close to two years since he's been home. Then when he finally succombs to the idea of working and starts going on interviews; the "Coke Fairy" pays him a visit.

Just yesterday I watched him count over $12,000 in cash, when the day before he only had $12.00! I thought to myself ........."This should be better. Once the money starts rolling in, my life will be less stressful." Yeah, that was two seconds before I saw the word "condom" on his "Things To Buy" list. Then, on my way home from his mother's house, I began to re-evaluate my life: "Is this really what I want to be involved in? Is it possible that I could again become a hustler's main girl? Am I really ready to deal with all the shit that I have supposedly outgrown?" I don't know?

And now holidays and birthdays will be filled with lovely gifts and material items but the position of lonliness is already lowering down on my shoulders. Now instead of him being stuck in the house and stressed, he always has to "take care of something". What's the difference between him being home and him being busy? My subconcious knows he's not around! Seven is no longer at my fingertips for a phone conversation or to take long rides in the car. Stuff that was considered "small things" were the things that actually made us closer. I respect his position and I want to live life financially stress free, as he does, but the questions that continue to haunt me are: "Will I be emptier than before? Why do I feel the need to make other additions in my life in order to feel fulfilled?" If Seven and I aren't together and all of my girlfriends are unavailable, why do I desire to be in the company of another man?........To receive the attention of others? A man who will get pushed right out of the way, as soon as Seven has time for me again. Why am I putting myself through this emotional abuse? Why do I always measure my self worth when it comes to him? I really hate myself for that! I am so strong yet so weak at the same time. I don't like that I constantly badger myself about what is going on outside of my immediate circle. Just as Seven conditioned himself for survival in the street, I must condition myself for survival on "the other side of the game"! I keep reminding myself that just as I have had to repeatedly make the decision to love him or leave him alone; he too will have to make the decision to love me or leave me alone once he finds out the truth regarding my past when my writing is finally published. It seems weird that all of these feelings, emotions, and empathy exsist and he doesn't have a clue. Sometimes I think I'm mental, like if he really knew my true feelings, he would think I was 'drawin' or trippin' out'! But to me I'm empty and hurt and trying to find ways to mend my feelings.......trying to find ways to justify everything that's going on in my life. I say, "How can I feel some type of way about what he does when I'm not putting in the relationship what I want to get out of it?" Or maybe it's just that I can't trust him because I, myself, can't be trusted!?!?!

Note: If the signs are there...........Why ignore them?