Written 2/06/03
Its like I loved Seven but now I could only love him from a distance. I'm not sure that he's even aware of how much he has hurt me but at the same time, he could be such a sweet guy. He says all the right things and has the best ideas for life but emotionally I was neglected. I'm at the point where I need to give someone else a fair chance instead of always holding my breath for this thing to pan out between Seven and I.
Making love to Gad the other night was good, as it always is, but my mind was still focused on Seven and how I need to let him go. It seems insane only because I know that my mind is strong enough to transfer the love I have for one, onto another. But I must concentrate solely on this individual (being Gad) which definitely means that my time with Seven is going to dissipate severely. Will he hurt in the process? Probably, but I wont hear about it until later on and plus Seven had Rikki. She had been occupying most of his time when he wasn't with me, so maybe she will be able to please him for now...........Who knows? But me, what I need to do is try and somehow please myself. Not just emotionally but mentally as well, so that I can become sane again. It insenses me that men feel that they're able to do what seems acceptable for them but react as if it's unacceptable for women to take on the same behavior. Where do they get these idealations?
This may seem ironic, but my love for Seven was so, that I had to let him go! To sound cliche'.....set him free in a sense. If it's meant for us to be together than it will be and if not, then at least I have salvaged my mind and opened the door for love from another. I know that I have become wiser through my past experiences but sometimes I feel overwhelmed by this wisdom with the need to break everything down in my life and analyze it. WHY CAN'T I JUST LIVE??? Just do without the contemplations of what may happen or what could be? Life would seem much simpler that way and my mind would be free from the bars of analyzation!
But today, instead of feeling like I paid back the dues given to me by Gad and Seven, my mood is a somber one. The stability I once I had was now diminishing and it felt strange. My grandmother told me, "Don't worry about it Sweetheart, they'll be calling you back, believe me." But that didn't help ease my mental anguish. I'm sure that the two of them will eventually get over what happened and I assume that there wasn't too much damage done but it still felt awkward knowing that days would slip by without conversation from either of them.
Now, "The Boxer" was keeping me entertained, in more ways than one, and to be totally honest I really didn't have the time to deal with much else since I had just started working again, in addition to working out everyday. Not to mention, my sleep pattern had drastically changed from waking up at 12 in the afternoon and going to sleep at 5 in the morning to having to get up at 6 in the morning and going to sleep at 11 at night. This shit was making me feel crazy! And already I wanted to quit this new job! My work ethic had no strength in it AT ALL during this time in my life! I said to myself, 'I gotta keep it movin' and get my life story out to the world so that my mornings can be spent doing radio interviews and book tours instead of getting up every day to make someone else rich!
Now, "The Boxer" was keeping me entertained, in more ways than one, and to be totally honest I really didn't have the time to deal with much else since I had just started working again, in addition to working out everyday. Not to mention, my sleep pattern had drastically changed from waking up at 12 in the afternoon and going to sleep at 5 in the morning to having to get up at 6 in the morning and going to sleep at 11 at night. This shit was making me feel crazy! And already I wanted to quit this new job! My work ethic had no strength in it AT ALL during this time in my life! I said to myself, 'I gotta keep it movin' and get my life story out to the world so that my mornings can be spent doing radio interviews and book tours instead of getting up every day to make someone else rich!
*Note: Notice how I desired to live out my dream as a writer 6 years ago and haven't done anything to accomplish that goal until now..........I read somewhere that, "No desire will ever be placed in you by God unless He intends to fulfill it!" So, know that if there is something/anything that you always wanted to do in life that there's a reason for it! Don't put it off! Take a leap of faith, move towards it and you'll be surprised by the doors that open for you!*
Great!!!! I have some questions for you...
ReplyDelete1. At what time in your life that you made the choice to move on and make a better life for yourself?
2. What or whom gave you the inspiration to write and to write about your life in the game at that time?
3. What was the hardest part of writing about your past life style that you accepted from these guys...The Cars, Money, Clothes, vacations etc.
Answer #1: I stopped dating drug dealers about 5 years ago beacuse I knew I would never get the kind of relationship I was looking for by dealing with that type of man and I consider myself being on a personal journey with one's self since then!
ReplyDeleteAnswer #2: I have to say that God gave me the inspiration to write.....ALWAYS! I have been writing since I was a kid and I honestly believe that God blessed me with the gift of words! Its just that the things that happened to me while growing up were always so CRAZY that they never left my mind and I just let them build up in there until I was ready to start writing them down years ago!
Answer #3: The hardest part for me was being honest about the feelings I had toward men and mostly the feelings I had toward myself for allowing them to treat me the way they did! I had all of this material copyrighted YEARS ago so basically I am just a copy and paste broad for the blog but it is making me uncomfortable to share these things now because I am so far removed from that girl I used to be!
I have questions for you...........
1. What are your feelings about the blog entries I have made so far? Have you read all 4 of them?
2. If you like them, will you become one of my followers?
Hey Jahara...I'm already a follower on this blog....I just don't have a picture up yet...scoll over your followers and you will see my name listed, by the way it's Sonji, Jahara lol
ReplyDeleteTo answer the first question....
I have read all your blogs so far,and I am blown away on how well you describe your past history...it takes an lot of woman to do this. Just remember it's okay to be honest with yourself, because no one can judge you now,only you can judge yourself. I never known anyone who lived the life that you lived and so I'm greatful that you are now sharing these stories with the world wide web lol....but you are sharing them with people who just want to know more of what was life like for you....I'M A BIG FAN OF YOUR WRITING "J"...and so on that note, I hope you don't me inviting others to join in.
-Sonji
Sonji, those were excellent questions and the answers were great, Jahara. I didn't know you that well in high school but these questions and your blogs are helping me to learn a little bit more about you each day.
ReplyDeleteI was on the train reading this entry and almost start crying. I have been there and some times I feel myself going back to the constantly giving of myself and never getting anything in return except for pain and disappointment.
To top it off the note you made about having a desire and putting it off really struck home. It was confirmation for me. Thank you girl and you keep doing what you are doing.
May God continue to bless you. Luv Ya!!!!
@Sonji- What can I say? I am blown away by your words! Thank you so much for encouraging the honesty! Thats the hardest part for me! And PLEASE invite others to join! And tell them TO INVITE OTHERS! The greater my number of followers, the greater my publishing opportunities! Thank you again!
ReplyDelete@Velvet- I was a train wreck in high school! LOL! But about the giving of yourself and never having it reciprocated....that's where you have to start loving "you" more! Im at a point in my life now that if I am not being given what I believe that I am worth, Im steppin off! It took a long time to get to this point as you can see and will see with stuff to come and I mean a LONG time but the struggle makes the journey mean something! You know, I almost didnt include the part about my writing because at first it didnt seem relevant to the rest of the story but then when I realized what I desired to do back then was exactly what Im attempting to do years later, I felt like there was a lesson in there! God contacts us in a multitude of ways!
Thank you for reading and are YOU a follower yet? LOL!
I'm caught up :) :). Can't wait to discuss!
ReplyDelete