I have to post another entry from the pregnancy phase.....It's clear to me that I was very sad initially. I'm intrigued by that so I may post a few more entries from this vantage point before I go back to my past in the street life!
(Written 9/15/11)
I have GOT TO snap out of this funk I am in! Its horrible! I have been praying but maybe not enough. And I feel like nobody gets it! Everyone that knows is excited and I just feel depressed. I don't want to feel depressed. I want joy in my life. I need some happiness to rain down on me. It's so bad that the sadness is beginning to creep into my dreams. Last night I had a dream that my hair was falling out and when I showed my sister, she told me that I probably have cancer. I whimpered so loudly in my sleep that I woke myself up! And now I'm just thinking 'Damn! This depression shit is going too far!' What the hell do I need to do to get happy again? Why is this issue of becoming a parent bumming me out so bad? I have helped with many children in my lifetime so why does the issue of having my own seem to be rubbing me this way? I'm really learning the meaning of faking it until you make it, you have NO IDEA! When I am at work and I pass someone in the hallway and they ask me, "How are you today?" and I reply, "Fine", my movie narration voice then screams, "LIAR!" in my head. I'm one of those people who prides myself on being real and the idea of lying about my state of mind is bothering me. Its almost as if I want to tell everyone that I'm pregnant and I'm depressed so that I can hear/find out if anyone has a cure for me. I'm desperate for answers to my sadness. I'm even more desperate to fix it. I'm tired of faking! I want to just break down and figure it out. When I initially found out I was visibly depressed and my boyfriend told me: "You have got to stop looking like you're doomed! You look like you lost your best friend and its killing me to see you like this! I understand this is hard for you but things could be so much worse. Neither one of us are drug addicts, we both are bringing in an income, we're not homeless, we come from good families.........You have to cheer up!" So, I've been faking it more for him than anybody else the last 3 weeks. Although, like I said, I am a happier person when he's around.......He's just not always around. I'm tired of everyone at work asking me am I okay? Why I'm so quiet? And finding out that they're secretly speaking with each other and asking what's wrong with Jahara? I guess the positive in that is I've made a lasting impression on everyone with my personality but I read today in my Daily Word that I CANNOT lose my character......that means I have to snap out of it. Being tired is expected, being nauseous is expected, feeling worn down is probably expected BUT when I express that I'm sad the only thing that I'm hearing is, "You'll be fine." But I'm NOT fine and worse still is that I would "like" to be fine. I am longing to be fine. I'd give my 1st born to be fine! *No pun intended* At least my doctor's appointment is tomorrow. That felt like an eternity to get here! I will finally get some answers to my many, many questions and maybe, just maybe, that will be an open door to feeling better in the near future......that will be enough for me.
One more thing before I go......I'm tired of talking to all my friends while they're drunk and under the influence! Kinda makes me feel like I'm out of the loop and also all alone in the circle of sobriety. It sucks, to be honest! If this is what withdrawal feels like, its no wonder people choose to be twisted. But now that I think about it, people have support groups and meeting with other individuals who are trying to stay sober and Christians fellowship with other Christians to stay positive in their walk...............Well, what about groups for pregnant women??? I'm going to research that.....We need support too! I'll keep you posted.
I just researched what the dreams I've been having may mean and the dream about the abandon puppies suggests that I am loyal, generous, protective and have strong values that will help me succeed. And the dream about my hair falling out symbolizes how hair is equal to strength and power and represents one's own appearance and place in society. So hair falling out describes loss of energy, feelings of helplessness and concerns about age. All I can say is, WOW! Both describe me and how I feel today but it looks like one is balancing out the other. How comforting is that, really? Whew!
Lesson Learned: Sometimes it may feel like no matter what you do you can't change your emotional state when it's in a bad place. Continuing on your journey, even in that sour state is the bridge to making it from your place of struggle to your place of redemption. You just have to keep walking to get there. The rain and clouds don't last forever......The sun always comes back out eventually!
(Written 9/15/11)
I have GOT TO snap out of this funk I am in! Its horrible! I have been praying but maybe not enough. And I feel like nobody gets it! Everyone that knows is excited and I just feel depressed. I don't want to feel depressed. I want joy in my life. I need some happiness to rain down on me. It's so bad that the sadness is beginning to creep into my dreams. Last night I had a dream that my hair was falling out and when I showed my sister, she told me that I probably have cancer. I whimpered so loudly in my sleep that I woke myself up! And now I'm just thinking 'Damn! This depression shit is going too far!' What the hell do I need to do to get happy again? Why is this issue of becoming a parent bumming me out so bad? I have helped with many children in my lifetime so why does the issue of having my own seem to be rubbing me this way? I'm really learning the meaning of faking it until you make it, you have NO IDEA! When I am at work and I pass someone in the hallway and they ask me, "How are you today?" and I reply, "Fine", my movie narration voice then screams, "LIAR!" in my head. I'm one of those people who prides myself on being real and the idea of lying about my state of mind is bothering me. Its almost as if I want to tell everyone that I'm pregnant and I'm depressed so that I can hear/find out if anyone has a cure for me. I'm desperate for answers to my sadness. I'm even more desperate to fix it. I'm tired of faking! I want to just break down and figure it out. When I initially found out I was visibly depressed and my boyfriend told me: "You have got to stop looking like you're doomed! You look like you lost your best friend and its killing me to see you like this! I understand this is hard for you but things could be so much worse. Neither one of us are drug addicts, we both are bringing in an income, we're not homeless, we come from good families.........You have to cheer up!" So, I've been faking it more for him than anybody else the last 3 weeks. Although, like I said, I am a happier person when he's around.......He's just not always around. I'm tired of everyone at work asking me am I okay? Why I'm so quiet? And finding out that they're secretly speaking with each other and asking what's wrong with Jahara? I guess the positive in that is I've made a lasting impression on everyone with my personality but I read today in my Daily Word that I CANNOT lose my character......that means I have to snap out of it. Being tired is expected, being nauseous is expected, feeling worn down is probably expected BUT when I express that I'm sad the only thing that I'm hearing is, "You'll be fine." But I'm NOT fine and worse still is that I would "like" to be fine. I am longing to be fine. I'd give my 1st born to be fine! *No pun intended* At least my doctor's appointment is tomorrow. That felt like an eternity to get here! I will finally get some answers to my many, many questions and maybe, just maybe, that will be an open door to feeling better in the near future......that will be enough for me.
One more thing before I go......I'm tired of talking to all my friends while they're drunk and under the influence! Kinda makes me feel like I'm out of the loop and also all alone in the circle of sobriety. It sucks, to be honest! If this is what withdrawal feels like, its no wonder people choose to be twisted. But now that I think about it, people have support groups and meeting with other individuals who are trying to stay sober and Christians fellowship with other Christians to stay positive in their walk...............Well, what about groups for pregnant women??? I'm going to research that.....We need support too! I'll keep you posted.
I just researched what the dreams I've been having may mean and the dream about the abandon puppies suggests that I am loyal, generous, protective and have strong values that will help me succeed. And the dream about my hair falling out symbolizes how hair is equal to strength and power and represents one's own appearance and place in society. So hair falling out describes loss of energy, feelings of helplessness and concerns about age. All I can say is, WOW! Both describe me and how I feel today but it looks like one is balancing out the other. How comforting is that, really? Whew!
Lesson Learned: Sometimes it may feel like no matter what you do you can't change your emotional state when it's in a bad place. Continuing on your journey, even in that sour state is the bridge to making it from your place of struggle to your place of redemption. You just have to keep walking to get there. The rain and clouds don't last forever......The sun always comes back out eventually!
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