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My Personal Journey.......(continued)

I, for some reason, am drawn to reading about the sadness in my past. I was in emotional turmoil for a lot longer than I like to believe but the fact that I can read it now and know how things have turned out just make me more grateful. I wasn't really sure of what to post this time but when I read this particular entry it spoke to me....maybe it will also speak to someone else?

(Written 7/07/02)

"The valley of troubled will be made a door of hope." Unknown
"For polish is the result of difficulties. Nearly all of God's jewels are crystallized tears." Unknown

    Today I need affirmations in my life. I am again in a place of despair and lonliness. There are so many people that I called today just to hear some nice words and kind comments but it still doesn't fill the void. Why can't I rely on one human person to bring me the loving concern that I so desire in the physical form? I can get unconditional love and genuine concern from God everyday......day after day.....without hesitation and I am fully aware of that, but what about human contact? A hug, a kiss on the forehead......someone to rub my back.....Where is that person? I am almost sick again, to the point of not being able to eat and feeling like throwing up. I bought a bottle of Tylenol PM's just to sleep my emotional pain away and not be constantly bothered by these thoughts of uncertainity.
    My writing career is moving along nicely. Especially when I'm the only one helping myself get exposure nationally and locally. No Agent! No Help! It's giving me the drive I need to show myself that I can make all my dreams a reality if I want it bad enough. But guess what? Me becoming a famous author is not taking away my emotional pain. I keep saying that I will just throw myself in my work to stay busy and focused and keep my mind off the boys. But then the enemy comes and puts drinks in my face and gives me the unconscious ability to succomb to my fleshly desires. Why do I continue to backslide when I am trying so hard to be a better person? I am crying now....just thinking about how one night of hanging out and acting crazy can change my entire emotional status. I love someone so much that I want them to have their freedom without me smothering their every minute in the street. But then I blame myself sometimes because I have developed a vicious pattern of being non-chalant when it comes to love. I say all the time, "I'm like a man!.....How many can I conquer at a time?.....Pimpin' ain't easy!" All types of bullshit comments to keep my guard at it's strongest point. The question to myself is, will I ever be able to be honest with myself when I actually love someone? I really, honestly have no idea. God will send my mate and my dreams and my success and my good fortune when He feels the time is right. I just ask for the eyes to see it when it's in front of me and the wisdom to know it's from Him!
    Adversity seems to spark all my creativity and allows me to pour emotion to paper which, usually to me, always reads beautifully when I look at it later on. Habitually, my defensive mechanisms will not go away. I am trying to break the wall down within but it seems like I keep hitting it and hitting it and hitting it but it doesn't have the appearance of it chipping away at all. I am protecting myself from myself! Is that because I am aware of my own destructive nature or because I'm scared to be bare for the pain that love can cause when you open your door up for it completely?

Lesson Learned: Who knows where my writing career would be now if I hadn't hesitated back then when I was riding that wave? Makes my promise to never stop again that much more meaningful to myself this time around. As long as you know you're putting in the "self" work that is needed to promote change and you are willing to stand firm in your position to do so.....The wall will eventually crumble. After you are able to breathe the air of that open space, all that seemed difficult and impossible comes without the fear of  what the outcome will be. ...You just go with the flow of the current. I believe that is what being "free" really fells like!

Comments

  1. Once again, thank you for sharing. This year has been such a struggle for me. I feel so guilty because I know that things could be worst. Once again, I have turned to food to numb the pain that I am feeling. The weight I worked so hard to get off, I have been putting it back on. Then there is turning to men because I just want to be held. I guess I am back at the place of not truly loving myself.

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    1. Velvet......I believe awareness is the key to change. If you can identify with what's wrong then you have the power to turn it around. Sometimes it not so much that we don't love ourself as much as it is.......just returning to a pain that's already familiar. Its seems crazy but sometimes it feels easier to stay inside of a "understood" pain than it is to push through that pain pass the wall of the fear of uncertainty to finally do something different. If that makes sense?

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  2. Another great entry! You add poetry to the words and thoughts flow from the pen, I can related to so many things! Keep'em coming!

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