Skip to main content

Random Ramblings!

(Written 12/26/03)
Why do I feel like there's a hole in my heart? I woke up this morning with these feelings of emptiness, I went straight to the bank to make a deposit then of course I go buy something to wear for the day. Somehow, shopping makes me feel better but at times I also feel like I'm going crazy....losing my mind. Or maybe I'm just a different person than most.....more compassionate than others and more caring than any man I know. What do I do to keep myself together? How do I keep from feeling sick in my stomach with curiosity? Maybe I need to be medicated by a doctor so I'm not constantly ridden with anxiety or maybe I need to realize who I am and what I'm worth in order to understand that my life is better than it seems. My spiritual sense always calls me when I feel this way. It's like I know that I am supposed to only be concerned with God's view of me and no one else's.......not even my own! I'm always so down on myself no matter what the situation and deep down I know I am so much better. Instead of feeling the strength of my wisdom for my age, I feel weak and almost senseless or naive so to speak. It feels weird to even write this down. My true feelings of myself and my mental state. I'm gonna be okay........I know who I am and I know what I'm capable of I'm just not sure of it all the time!

Comments

  1. onlyonevelvetSeptember 22, 2009 at 2:16 PM

    Wow, I am in tears because that was you almost 6 years ago and that is how I am feeling now. So I know that there is still hope for me.

    Luv Ya.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownSeptember 23, 2009 at 3:12 AM

    @Velvet- As long as my journey can be of help to ONE person such as yourself, I am still in a good place and you will be too! Look up! God's love is enough to mend any and all feelings of loneliness and insecurity.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Committee PrezSeptember 23, 2009 at 7:57 AM

    Lookin back, from whence we came right?!

    ReplyDelete
  4. UnknownOctober 28, 2009 at 10:41 PM

    Yes Dazzle......YES!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"I" Message!

(Written sometime in 2003) “I” Message: I feel like a whore again! Had sex and left alone….Again! The xanax for my nerves led me to the countless glasses of champagne and then comes the lust for sex. The enemy was caving in on me and I succumb to my desires of the flesh only to feel like a whore….Again! The same whore he had called me so many times in the past. But now I honestly see why Gad treats me like that…. I’m acting like one! I’m there to satisfy his needs but when it comes time for real life then he can’t handle it. I have to love myself enough to know that I cannot let him continue to defile my body to fill some lustful desire. Keep in mind that all through the night at dinner, during those countless glasses of champagne we consumed, he was using words like “we” and “when I do this for you”. You know, all the phrases needed to make a girl smile and attracted at the same time. But you would think that after six years, two abortions and endless emotional abuse he would mean wha...
10 comments
Read more

My Personal Journey.......(continued)

I am so befuddled at how tragic my circumstances and mental were a little over a decade ago. When I read these entries back to myself.......sometimes I sound like a broken record but that may only be because I've changed tremendously. If I had not changed everything would still sound the same today and instead of shaking my head at my sadness, I would still agree with the words I wrote making it impossible for me to share them! (Written 1/06/03)     A new year but the same problems! Only the strong survive, all is fair in love and war, love is a battlefield, survival of the fittest.....all of these sayings describe this game of love that I am now playing. Is it worth fighting for or do I give up and just walk away? I can't continue to live my life this way because I am really losing focus on what it is that I need to do. I feel relieved when I write and I can honestly say that I have a passion for it but obviously my passion for writing cannot overcome my passion for ...
4 comments
Read more

The Beginning!

(Written April 5, 2000) Let's see..................I really dont know where to begin. This was my life on the "other side of the game". What game? The street game. Drugs, money, sex, lies and extortion! No, I wasn't a dealer and I only used on occasion but what excited me was the thrill. The thrill of being involved with a man of power. A man who knew what he wanted out of life and would stop at nothing to get it! That was such a turn on for me.......it seems crazy but that's how I liked it. It started when I was about 15. My best friend Camille was dating a guy, that had a friend, who wanted to meet somebody. You see, these guys were older than us. You know at 15 you think that means that they know more than you. They were "gettin' money"! And that was what I wanted. An older nigga that could spoil me and teach me what I needed to know about the "streets" and sex! You never asked any of them of their profession.......you just knew! An...
9 comments
Read more